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Review #4743985
Viewing a review of:
 Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1  [13+]
Charisma is an exciting adventure and challenges what you thought you knew about the world
by Nemesis
Review by Jayne
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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This is a "Game of Thrones"  review!



Hello, Nemesis!

*Checkb*Overall Impression:
This set up a somewhat mystical curiosity that piqued my interest right away.

*Checkb*Title and Description:
I like both the title and description. You've used the description to entice the reader to click through and read what you're offering. If possible, I would include an image.

*Checkb*Hook and plot:
The hook grabs you right in the first sentence. By immediately mentioning the god-like power of the Pharaohs and that this technology may still work, the reader is pushed to find out what is going on. As the chapter progresses, the dangling of Orgone adds an additional layer of mystery and hints of a supernatural element waiting in future chapters. I don't yet see the action/adventure element of the story (based on your genre selections), but it does set the story up in a way that I could see adventure on the horizon.

*Checkb*Characters and dialogue:
Both characters are differentiated through their dialogue. Peter is somewhat eccentric and committed to his work, while Liam is more grounded in reality and responsibilities. They play well off each other, with realistic language and mannerisms that keep them believable in a world where impossible things are about to happen.

*Checkb*Grammar and Mechanics:
The chapter is generally well-written. Some sentences and dialogue could be streamlined without disrupting the story's core or characters.

Heading up the wholesale fuel division for a national oil company was big business and took a great deal of time and although uncle Peter was technically a customer, Liam didn’t have a lot of time to waste on a Thursday afternoon

Try:

As head of the wholesale fuel division for a national oil company, Liam was busy. Though Peter was technically a customer, he had little time to spare on a Thursday afternoon.

*Checkb*Final Thoughts:
This is an intriguing chapter, and I'm excited to see where the story goes!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Jayne *Smile*



My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" 



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