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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4743435
Review #4743435
Viewing a review of:
 Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1 Open in new Window. [13+]
Charisma is an exciting adventure and challenges what you thought you knew about the world
by Nemesis Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings from the House of Mormont!
By participating in a Writing.com activity called "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window., I am in no way endorsing the GoT franchise or identifying as a fan thereof. I’m here to help my team win *Smile*
Ok, the opening chapter of what appears to be a much longer story. I will try my best to offer advice on this, as I don’t usually read first chapters because they draw me into something that may not ever be completed by either me or the author.

What every good story needs, as Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author Icon will remind you if you send this to his "Crosstimbers Review Request Form" Open in new Window., are Goals, Stakes, and Obstacles. You have set up a conflict between the skeptical and busy “nephew” Liam and his eager yet seemingly scatterbrained “uncle” Peter. We are left wondering what exactly “Orgone” is and how it plays into the story, hoping for another chapter where Peter comes into his own properly. The goals of Peter are not quite clear as yet; is he trying to ask Liam for more money to further his strange experiment? Is he looking for a companion to join him in an adventure in a newly discovered dimension? Or is it the potential to make untold millions and he needs a business partner? The stakes are also unclear, as we do not see an unhappy outcome if Liam simply ignores his oddball uncle. Obstacles are quite well defined by the nephew’s preoccupation with business as usual.

There should also be potential for character arcs for both of them, and we do see that in the possibility of them working together on something and becoming a team.

As to formatting, I always recommend size 4 Verdana font to ensure readability and accessibility across devices. Perhaps at the bottom you should let us know if we should go looking in your port for the rest of the story, because it does sound quite interesting despite the vagueness.

Thanks for sharing, take care and keep writing *Heartg*

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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