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 Review #4742371 |
 | A Moment in Time  [E] Moments frozen in time like frames from an old movie, captured in their natural habitat.  |
| (3.5)| This is a "Game of Thrones" raid by House Florent brought to you by:     HAPPY 18TH WDC ANNIVERSARY from "Anniversary Reviews" !!! Hello there, SamIam . For a microfiction, I like your style as you start each paragraph with The world is young and so am I. However, as for the opening scene, the hook isn't that great. Why? It's because the moment I read that the MC is 4 years old, I got immediately turned off. Your descriptive words are lyrical and beautiful. Unfortunately, for a first person point of view, you have to imagine how language is for a four-year-old. Your story has to show the growth in language from a toddler to a young child and an adult. Your punctuations are off too. Four-year-old has hyphens in between and is considered a word. Same goes with seven-year-olds. Formatting needs to be paid attention to too. The title needs to be bold and centred. Between changing POV and maintaining the writing style and poetic tonality which I would have otherwise loved if it weren't for these jarring issues. What I love about this microfiction is the way you captured "the moment in time" so perfectly. The pacing is great. Telling your life story from a 4-year-old to adulthood in three paragraphs do really make us feel how quickly time flies because for most of us, it is really so and your readers can relate to that. You wrote your story in present tense. I understand why you made that choice. It's because you want to show your story in the present as it happens, how life changes so fast. However, personally, for me, the best way to overcome the issue of a 4-year-old language sounding like an adult is to write the first two paragraphs in past tense. It hurts to suggest that. I can feel it. It's a tough call. I think it's something you as an author will have to decide if you'd ever want to make it work or leave it as it is. I think you titled the story perfectly. I didn't get what NSJ 2006 is though at the last sentence. Your sign-off? Nevertheless, you are a good writer and I would love to read more of your work because your strength is clearly in writing beautiful descriptions of nature and surroundings and blending them into an emotional story. I would definitely love to see more of those and I'll dig into your port once the madness of the "Game of Thrones" is done. I'm fanning you.  | 00:09 (+8 GMT  , 7 April 2024, Sunday |CC: 2684 The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!  Elfycia Lee ☮   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/06/2024 @ 9:23pm EDT