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 Review #4742300 |
 | Spooky Mission  [13+] Andrew embarks on a mission to a spooky place. Will he succeed or fail is to be witnessed.  |
| (3.5)| Hallo Ben ! I will be reviewing your work "Spooky Mission" on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"  Content: In the city of Birmingham, sits a castle with a dark and mysterious past. After the gruesome death of its last owner, no one has dared live there, until two men decide to take the risk seven years later. Why would they decide to find lodgings in such a place? And what mysteries will be uncovered? Pluses:I can appreciate the attempt made to write a story that fits the mystery/horror genre as you do a good job fitting in all those elements that should make it work. You do well in setting up the backgrounds and scenes; creating the tense atmosphere needed for such tales. You also have some interesting dialogue, and there's an almost typical movie-like sequence of good versus evil having the final battle at the end of the story. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. >>The Gothic architecture and the exterior walls (,) with paintings of the Blackthorn (,) were its striking features. >>spared no chance of enhancing the insufferable pain of the stayers’ (hmm...this section was a bit confusing especially with the word in red. Maybe you can explain it to me as I was completely lost) >>from the graveyard nearby (,) at night (,) filled the aura with no less than terror. >>death of corporate baroness, Veronica (,) in 1923. >>"Good heavens! Sir, just now a black cat leaped over the front window screen," Daniel said, his voice trembling."I hope you are fine," Andrew replied, his tone calm."Yes, sir, but I got frightened at once," Daniel admitted. You need to fix the formatting of this. Each line of dialogue should be on its on line and not clumped together like a paragraph. Seems to be a pattern for the rest of the story. >> Andrew announced, already planning his next move." (Delete the apostrophe) >>"Wait a minute, I will go and get the first aid box from the car," (Change the comma to a period - ah, but I noticed something now. It's your formatting problems, because apparently it was Andrew saying this and not Daniel.  The way it appears, in your story, one would think Daniel - who is dying by the way - is also planning to go grab a First Aid kit from the car, which doesn't make sense.)>>but encountered an apparition of a gorgeous young lady, due to which he trembled and took a step back. (I would suggest rephrasing this section to something like: but encountered an apparition of a gorgeous lady, which caused him to tremble and take a step back.) >>using his hands forcibly."I know what you (are) up to!" >>You seem keen on pointing out time within this story; fifteen minutes to one, twenty minutes past two, thirty minutes past so-so-so-and so ever so often. Why was that done? >>You also seem to like using a lot of 'big words', and by that, in your quest to paint/show a scene, you can sometimes over do it by adding extra words that are really not needed to make a point. Sometimes simple also works quite well.     This is a story with a lot of potential once it's cleaned up. Thanks for taking the time to share it with us, and keep on writing!    Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/13/2024 @ 9:13am EDT