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Review #4742291
Viewing a review of:
 Birdwatchers Open in new Window. [GC]
Two people are bird watching in a park.
by michael-s Author Icon
Review of Birdwatchers  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeff Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Free Folk  Open in new Window.
Rated: GC | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
The Free Folk image for G.o.T.


Hello michael-s

I'm sending this review in connection with "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..


*Penw* Positives

It's a pleasure to find another screenwriter here on the site! There aren't many of us, so I always enjoy getting a chance to read scripts whenever I get the chance. *Smile*


*Penw* Suggestions

In general, I'm a little confused about what this scene is supposed to be. It starts out with a racist interaction between a white woman and a black man, and then abruptly ends with the woman getting killed by the birds she was watching. I think a little additional context for the transition between these two elements of the scene.

I also think a little more context is needed for the intro to the scene. As written, the very first line of dialogue is a white woman acting attacked and threatened by a black man for no reason. It feels like it comes a little out of nowhere; I think you need some additional dialogue or action description to give context for her strong reaction to a relatively mundane interaction.


*Penw* Overall

Overall, it's always difficult to fully evaluate a small vignette rather than an scene or a full script, but I think there's some potential here to turn this into a really compelling scene if you expand the exposition a little, provide some additional context, and transition between the interaction and the ending a little more smoothly. I hope this helps!


Respectfully,

Jeff Author IconMail Icon
"Rating & Reviewing PhilosophyOpen in new Window.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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