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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4742107
Review #4742107
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The Miracle Bard Of Triem Open in new Window. [E]
I was born singing, but the gift had only caused me pain and loneliness, until...
by ♫~ Kenword~♫ Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings from the House of Mormont!
By participating in a Writing.com activity called "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window., I am in no way endorsing the GoT franchise or identifying as a fan thereof. I’m here to help my team win *Smile*
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What a beautiful story! I love a charming fantasy like these, with animals and fairies. You have painted a wonderful picture of love and heartache and relationship without too much drama. I do see an inconsistency in that the underlying conflict was not originally laid out at the beginning. When the rains came and the land sprouted anew, it came as a surprise because we were not told that the land was under a desert curse. Also, the Queen’s apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of others should be explained a little more so we can sympathize with her. You could say that she learned to numb and suppress her own feelings because everyone blamed her for the tragedy of the curse, or something like that. I don’t know how that could be understood from the limited perspective of the boy Marsden, but since the word count is beside the point now that the contest it was perhaps written for is long gone, you can feel free to restructure and tinker with it as needed.

Also, I looked up the name Marsden, and as far as I can tell it has nothing to do with being born singing. But since it’s a fantasy story anyway, it hardly matters. Also, for that matter, the name Queen/Lady Victoria is a little confusing. Perhaps a couple of new names would be better.

I always recommend using size 4 Verdana font to ensure readability across devices and ages. Also, it would be nice if you had remembered to include a drop note with specific contest info, such as why the opening and closing lines are in bold (I assume that was the contest prompt requirement, but being a newbie I haven’t yet seen a contest that asks for a specific opening and closing. That’s a good idea.)

Ok, that’s all I have to say about this lovely and satisfying story. Thanks for sharing and take care *HeartG*


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