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Review #4741369
Viewing a review of:
 The Witch's Son (Ch.1) Open in new Window. [13+]
I've wanted to do a proper story for a while now but never got around to it and now I have
by Undbitr Author Icon
Review by 👼intuey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Undbitr! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.. Happy Anniversary! I hope to see you in the halls of WDC!

*Reading* This will be a good first chapter when you're able to edit and clean it up a bit.

You do a good job with your characters, and helping the reader get to know them.

I did wonder why the father didn't want the children playing together. Maybe a couple of sentences explaining why would help the reader understand more of what's going on in that respect.

You also may want to put some spaces between the dialogue lines. And spaces between paragraphs. It would help the reader have a place to rest their eyes.

You have a lot of run-on sentences. You also have a lot of places where the word after the period is not capitalized.

Correcting the problems above will help your writing tremendously.

I also have a few more suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Bookstack* the kettle saw

the kettle, and saw

*Peno* in the door a smile

in the door with a smile

*Bookstack* brother." she said

brother," she said

*Notepady* coat and pulled it on and went

coat, pulled it on, and went

*Penb* Hill then rolled

Hill, and then rolled

*Books1* snow covered

snow-covered

*Tackr* guards man

guardsman

*Penv* think on it later

think about it later

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us!

*hearr* Intuey

"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
House Lannister image for G.o.T.



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