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 Review #4741317 |
| Hallo dragonwoman  ! I will be reviewing your work "Invalid Item"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"  Content: This is a short story about a young girl who is curious about an abandoned subdivision in her neigbhourhood. With her friends, they decide to investigate the area only to discover that not all is as it seems. Pluses:This story is mostly filled with dialogue, but we are still able to get an idea of the main character and her personality. Cookie comes across as spontaenous and a daredevil; not afraid of anything and her friends have no option but to follow her into the adventure. However, on arrival to the place there appears to be nothing exciting around an area with boarded up doors and windows. Yet, one of Cookie's friends insists that she sees a hand in a window in one of the houses. No one believes this, and while Cookie urges them all to return home, she is shocked to discover her friends have suddenly disappeared. In a panic, she goes to seek for help failing to see that her friends are now trapped within a house with its icy guest making its presence known. A very chilling end indeed and one that makes the reader want to know more of this mysterious neighborhood and what truly happened there. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. >> was touted as a luxury(-)gated >> “Look you can still read the billboards!(") Cookie pointed out. >> the one (,) who had seen it, swore. >> “It’s getting late,  let’s head back.”Make into two sentences. >> Now, I'm assuming this was for a contest as you had some words in bold - prompts to be used - correct? While they were used well in the story, I feel the ending was a bit rushed and could use a little more detail. Now that the contest is over, you can try giving a little more explaination on how her friends suddenly ended up crowded in that doorway - and was the doorway outdoors or indoors - because if it's the former, there's no way she didn't see them. Or did they just become invisible to her?    Overall, it was an enjoyable story, but one that could use a little more. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!   Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/04/2024 @ 3:47pm EDT