"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: Trapped! Escape the Tower!

First Impression: The first paragraph is awkward the way it is worded. The story feels like the narrator and the author's voice override each other which is distracting.

What needs your attention:
"The waves were rough, the wind was strong and the temperature was freezing. I was on a boat heading towards a haunted old tower with some creepy looking old man, my sister Erica, my best friend Jayden and with 3 girls similar to my age. It wasn’t one of those really nice luxury boats. It was more like those medium-sized rowing boats that were brown and old fashioned looking."

My fellow passengers and myself were tossed about in a boat by the rough waves and strong winds. We, that is my sister Erica, best friend Jayden and other three female passengers who appeared our age. The only outlier was the creepy old man. The temeprature is freezing, I wish a luxury boat had been available instead of this medium sized rowboat to take us to haunted tower.

The opening is less wordy and gives the reader the necessary information while arousing their curiosity.

What I've noticed reading you have used passive voice a lot which slows the pacing in your story.

"“Pay close attention to the eyeball.” The man warns. He then lifts up the middle cup revealing an eyeball. Maybe that’s why he’s wearing an eye patch. He then lowers the cup, preparing for the fun bit. He soon jumbles up all of the cups until he is satisfied."

This is an example of the author's intrusion. How would the characters in the story know the preparation is for the fun bit.

What part I liked best: The final room challenge was interesting. It felt to this reader Amanda was your strongest player throughout but in the final moments it was Timothy.

Overall impression: The story core is intriguing but the pacing is slow because of all the unnecessary words. I suggest reading your story out loud to yourself. It's amazing what we skip over reading silently.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say?????


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .