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 Review #4740643 |
| (4.0)| Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Greetings Just Jae  !I am currently reviewing as part of the tasks set by the "Game of Thrones" . I especially visited your port to dig your most precious gems then this haiku entitled "Life" appeared. In this review, I mainly focus on the positives of your piece and I may point some Areas for Improvement if found any. Without much a do, here are the things I noticed after delving deeper into the contents:Positives Cyclical Nature: The core concept of death yielding to new life resonates with the cyclical patterns found in nature. This speaks to the resilience of life and the promise of renewal. Distinct Contrast: The juxtaposition of harsh winter death with vibrant spring rebirth creates a stark contrast. This abrupt shift can be effective in poetry. Challenges/Areas for Improvement Specificity: The mention of "Avian flu" feels too specific for the haiku form. Haiku traditionally rely on broader natural imagery, allowing for wider interpretation. Clinical Tone: The phrase "Succumb to" has a clinical, almost detached tone. Traditional haiku aims to capture a fleeting moment of emotion or observation within nature. Missed Opportunity for Sensory Imagery: Instead of "Avian flu", more evocative imagery of winter's hardship could deepen the poem. This would create stronger resonance with the vitality of spring. My Own Version of this Haiku Here's my revised version that attempts to stay truer to the haiku spirit while maintaining the core theme: Bare branches shiver, Birds fall silent in the snow, Green shoots push upwards. This version focuses on sensory details (shivering branches, silent snow) to immerse the reader in the atmosphere of winter, contrasting it with the promise of new growth. Overall Your original haiku has a powerful underlying theme. Yet, to achieve the elegance and depth of a classic haiku, it might benefit from a shift towards more universal imagery and a focus on subtly evoking emotion through nature. Still, it's a good piece and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing. Write on! Best regards, Gervic    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 10:44am EDT