%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4739968 |
 | Throwing Rocks  [E] Little Johnny is throwing rocks and then the Earth explodes.  |
| (4.5)  First Impressions: That first paragraph was a great hook. You set the scene and introduced the characters in just a few sentences, and you included enough details to make the readers want to know more. They were firmly in Little Johnny’s head and stayed there for most of the story. I could almost hear the kid’s voice, and you did a good job with the tone of the story, making it easy to imagine Little and Big Johnny and Claudine as well as the little alien. The story had a bit of an unfinished feel to it. I don’t know what contest it was written for but I assume there was a word limit, which might explain why the tale ended rather abruptly. Maybe it was just that I hadn’t realised the story was nearly over and wanted to read more about this family and their new ‘pet’, but it felt like it was missing a proper ending.  Suggestions: achieved sufficient enough altitude I wasn’t sure if this was an instance of Little Johnny’s way of speaking or thinking, but ‘sufficient’ and ‘enough’ essentially mean the same thing so I would consider losing one of them. must have crashed landed with the rock Again, this might be a phrase Little Johnny had misheard and then repeated incorrectly, but I would use the correct spelling here, ‘crash-landed’. I’m not sure how to convey that the boy used the wrong phrase without having annoying readers like me tell you there’s a typo   Final Thoughts: I liked this story, a lot. The writing was exceptional, there was a lot of understated humour, and my only complaint (which is really more of a compliment) is that I wanted to read more. I would check that last sentence though - if the story ends there, you might want to see if you can make it sound more like an ending. It might just be me, but it didn’t feel quite right. Otherwise, I thought this was a great read.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 03/28/2024 @ 8:44pm EDT