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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4737217
Review #4737217
Viewing a review of:
 
Time on Their Hands  [E]
Fiction for Cliffhanger contest.
by BlueJay
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi BlueJay .

I'm Polter-JACE: Cruising ... , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Time on Their Hands" , which I found on the Read & Review feature.

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. I enjoyed reading your story. Great title. But your item description needed to be more enticing for your reader. That should be the billboard that lures your reader to your story. If you entered the item into a contest, place a link to it at the bottom of your story.

I hadn't heard of this contest. I wondered both how you fared in it and whether it's still going. I'm guessing that the words in bold were required by the contest.

You paint a pretty good picture of newlyweds and the struggles they often have. I'm currently writing of such life struggles as memoire anecdotes for my kids. Real life and fiction so often coincide.

You did your job hooking me in by the end ... and then you ended it. I wanted more. I understand the contest may have had other thoughts. *Wink*

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* This should really be two sentences--they are two distinct thoughts.  First there was the wedding in Denver last March, then after a brief, but expensive, honeymoon trip to Cancun, they started settling in to reality.  

         *Bullet* Great job with your dialogue. I only found one punctuation problem. Remove the period; the question mark is the end of the phrase.  "the question is 'When are we?'."  "the question is 'When are we?'"

*Star* My Rating.  4.5. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 03/17/2024 @ 12:38pm EDT
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