%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4736902 |
 | Bunnyville an Easter Story  [E] A humorous story of a bunny's great escape  |
| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: With Easter coming up in a couple of weeks, I thought this would be the perfect story to read, and I was right. You did a good job telling this tale, from the initial idea to the various stages of keeping the rabbits, including the pitfalls. I liked how much you and your children got into this and enjoyed looking after the rabbits, building new homes for them when they outgrew the old one and making sure they were happy. I laughed out loud at the part where you and your husband chased the escaped rabbit. You described the scene very well and I could imagine the rabbit darting this way and that with the two of you trying to outwit her.  Suggestions: My first suggestion is regarding the paragraph spacing. Presented as it is, the story is actually quite difficult to read. If you put paragraph breaks in the appropriate places (every time the speech or action shifts to another person) you’d make it easier for the readers to follow the story. There were a number of grammatical and punctuation errors. I’ll point out a few of them below, but if you look for similar ones, you can fix all of them. It was Thursday a beautiful spring day, they were happy that it was Easter weekend they didn't have to go to school on Good Friday. That’s a very long sentence and not enough punctuation. I would suggest breaking it into two sentences, with a comma after “Thursday” and a period after “spring day”, beginning a new sentence with “They were happy”. The second sentence is missing a word: “Easter weekend and they didn’t…” There were a few sentences with similar issues, but if you read the story again slowly, you can pick them up. "Oh.....they are so cute” Emily said “can we hold them?" You need some punctuation here as well. At the end of the first part of the speech, after cute, you need a comma as the sentence continues with “Emily said”. Alternatively, you could put an exclamation mark to convey her excitement. You need a period after “said” and begin a new sentence with “Can we”. Again, this was an error that was repeated throughout the story. I was puzzled and ask You switched tense here. The story was written in past tense, but every so often, you used a present tense word. It should be “asked”. Towards the end, you seemed to use fewer speech marks where they were needed. These errors were quite distracting, which was a shame because you have such a nice story here, but the formatting, grammar and punctuation let it down. Luckily, that’s an easy fix, and with a quick edit, you can sort out this issue and make the story a lot more readable.  Final Thoughts: That’s not to say I didn’t like the story. I thought this was a cute and funny tale that deserved to be well told, and you obviously put a lot of work into writing it so I hope you’ll spend a bit of time to polish it and make it the best it can be. I was a little sad that in the end, you decided not to keep the rabbits as they were clearly quite dear to you and gave you and your children a lot of joy. I can’t imagine pigs being quite as cute as rabbits but I’m glad that they found a home with you. I enjoyed reading about your adventures with your animals!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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