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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4732378
Review #4732378
Viewing a review of:
 Loss of Control Open in new Window. [13+]
Is the Earth really what it seems?
by Beck Firing back up! Author Icon
Review of Loss of Control  Open in new Window.
Review by NaNoKit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Beck Firing back up! Author Icon,

This review is a part of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+]. *Smile*

Overall Impression:

This is an interesting little sci-fi piece. I liked the concept of the human world unknowingly being akin to something like an ant farm. A bit of a fascination and a scientific project to an alien race who, considering the scale of everything, must be of an enormous size.

Yet, the observers become the observed, and disaster strikes. There is limited room to describe events in a piece of this size, but you managed to paint a clear picture of what happens.

I think that if you ever wanted to, this could easily be turned into something longer. I know sometimes writers come up with an idea and once it's on paper (or screen) that's it, it's out, and it's time to move on, but there are story lines and characters that linger, and if that is the case here I would love to know why Athleen had the terrarium, what they wanted to study, and why they did not know that the atmosphere was so dangerous to them. I would also love to read about how the humans experienced the events. What did they see?

Suggestions:

I do have some suggestions, dear author. I hope that you'll find them helpful!

Paragraph 1:

*Snow2* Zalnar said

As Zalnar just asked a question, I suggest going for Zalnar asked.

Paragraph 2:

*Snow2* race called, ‘humans.

Some punctuation issues here. I suggest going for race called 'humans'.

Paragraph 9:

*Snow2* I am a little uncertain about whose lungs are burning in this paragraph. The story seems to be written from Zalnar's perspective, but this paragraph, as I understand it, is about Athleen. 'His lungs burned', then, seems to be a change in perspective?

Paragraph 10:

*Snow2* Zalnar Clutched hist throat.

Some typos here: Zalnar clutched his throat.

Paragraph 11:

*Snow2* In paragraph 10 we are back to Zalnar's perspective, but this paragraph begins with 'Athleen’s breath was ragged. He felt himself slipping away...' So we seem to be back with Athleen now. The switching back and forth between the two perspectives is something I suggest having a look at, as it's disorienting for the reader.

General Suggestion:

*Snow2* The word 'small' appears several times in this short piece, sometimes close together. I picked up on this bit of repetition, so it may be worth looking at as well.

My Rating:

This is an interesting, creative piece. I enjoyed the read and wish you well in the contest it was written for.

I did have a few suggestions, especially about the changes in perspective. For that reason, I will give this item a rating of 4 out of 5.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Write on!

Kit

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 02/19/2024 @ 6:41am EST
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