Greetings!

I've read through this poem a few times to try to figure out how exactly I feel about it. There were some interesting elements to flesh out tone and rhythm through repeated statements. On the other hand, the imagery could have used more description to really bring both the sorrow and repetitiveness to life. Since these things equally weighed on my mind as I read this, I ended up feeling ambivalent about the poem overall.


To me, the imagery will be both the easiest and most useful aspect to tweak. We know that this is addressed toward people in fields, but aside from barren, what do those fields look like? Are there remnants of brown, dead plants? Or are the fields just soil that's gone sandy in texture? Since fields play such an important role in this poem, I think it would be beneficial to show us what's happened to them to make them barren. It might even be worth considering dropping a phrase or two in there to show readers how the fields got this way.

Aside from fields, there is one line where I think some more concrete imagery can be used.

We're simply too old

I feel like this is a great spot to show how one is too old to make change. After all, aging is moving at a different pace in the 21st century for a lot of reasons. I've seen people over 50 become smartphone dependent while youth have been picking up "older"/analog technologies. With this line, maybe showing some physical signs of aging that prevents effecting change can paint a more evocative picture (and give readers a bit of insight on the narrator's experiences).

Our skin has cracked, hands unable to bear the cold
So now we tell the young ones

While I created an example that adheres to the rhyme scheme in the second half of the poem, I encourage you to play with the imagery first and see if maybe the rhyme scheme needs to be reconsidered.


Speaking of structural components, I'd like to take a look at the "today/tomorrow" lines. On the one hand, I do like the approach of using these repetons to set a cadence for the piece. I also appreciate the variations on these repetons later in the poem. That said, I feel like they feel a little heavy handed in a poem this brief. To me, it feels like the focus on these repetons comes at the expense of imagery. I can see two ways to address this: removing one or two of these repetons or expanding the poem by a verse or two to give the repetons a bit more space. Either of these options should work well and give you more chances to have more detail to depict the scene/the narrator's regrets/the response of the youth/whatever you'd like. If you do opt to remove a repeton, I'd say lines five or nine are the best bets.


I'd be curious to see what comes of revisions to this poem. I think there's plenty of room for expansion to truly evoke a sense of tragedy and cyclical habits that contribute to it.


~Elisa


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .