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 Review #4714226 |
 | Coffee Bar Birthday  [E] Cramp Entry: Terry has to work on his birthday, but Carla still wants to give him his gift  |
| (4.5)  Hi Than Pence I'm Bikerider and I am offering this review of {bitem:} on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" and Schnujo's contest reviews "WdC 2023 Birthday Review Raffle - CLOSED" Item Reviewed: "Coffee Bar Birthday" Author: Than Pence Reviewer: Bikerider Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" I'm two days late, but happy WDC account anniversary. Here's hoping for many more! First Impression: I liked your opening to this story: Terry watched from behind the counter as Carla entered the coffee shop, gift in hand. He suddenly felt nervous. Wondering about the gift and why Carla made Terry nervous pulled me in to the story. Well done! Characters: The characters seemed authentic and they movements and dialogue brought them to life. Items that might benefit from your further attention: 1. You only listed two genres; contest entry and friendship. I suggest using all three allowed; maybe add 'short story' (especially since the story is located in your Short Story folder in your portfolio) or 'fiction or non-fiction.' 2. There are a couple of places in the story that you used dialogue tags that are unnecessary. While dialogue tags are useful, they should not be overused. Here are two examples of what I mean. a. You wrote: “I wish I knew.” Looking at his friend, he said, “Thank you! Car, what can I get started for you,” he asked while eyeing the oblong gift in her hand. You wrote 'he said and he asked in the same sentence of dialogue. The 'he asked' could be eliminated and simply write: "What can I get for you?" He eyes the oblong gift in her hand. b. You wrote: As he poured the soy milk into the steel pitcher, he nodded. “Yeah. Something like that. So, when do you have to be at work?” he asked as he looked over at the wall clock. It was 1:50 and the after school rush would be coming soon. The reader knows it's Terry speaking, and the question mark shows his dialogue is a question. I suggest: So, when you you have to be at work?" He looked over at the wall clock. Favorite phrases: I like stories that contain descriptions that allow me to visualize either the characters or the story world. While that are many such places in this story, I'll give you two examples of my favorites. a. You wrote: Carla grabbed the crumpled receipt, set the gift on the counter, and straightened the paper. Terry thought the gift sounded heavy when it hit the counter. Carla grabbing the crumpled receipt is easy to visualize, and perhaps you could say she smoothed the wrinkles rather than straightened the paper. But either way, this is well done. b. You wrote: The cream nearly doubled the height of the cup. He smiled when she grabbed it and the towering whipped topping jiggled. I could imagine the whipped cream jiggling, especially since it's described as a tower of whipped cream. Final Thoughts: This is an interesting scene, well-written with no bumps along the way. The story moves forward with the use of dialogue and character actions. Good job! Thank you for sharing your writing. Bikerider This review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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