Hi Stay True ,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Overall Impression:

This is an emotional piece with a lot of potential. It speaks of a desire to be seen, to be chosen. To be loved. I think that most people can relate to what it is to be overlooked and rejected. The impact that has on someone's confidence. The sadness that it causes. I know that I have been there, and it's not a great place to be.

Those emotions are expressed well. There is some good imagery here. That feeling when you have a conversation with someone that you believe to be meaningful, but they've forgotten you the moment they turn to someone else. There's a sense of longing. A strong desire to be seen as a person of value - to be worth something in other people's eyes, and in one person's estimation in particular. It makes me want to say, "They're not worth your pain," but, of course, it's not that simple when that person means a lot to you.

On the technical side of things, this piece is written as prose poetry. I will comment on that further in the next section. On the whole, well done!

Suggestions:

I do have some suggestions, dear author. I hope that you will find them helpful!

Line 2:

...i would never...

I suggest changing 'i' to I.

Line 3:

... when someone forget your...

'forget' should be forgets.

... 5 minutes after...

I suggest changing '5' to five - it is customary to spell out numbers nine and below.

Line 5:

...tears are never ending...

'never ending' should be never-ending.

Line 7:

...how Icry at night...

There is a missing space here: 'Icry' should be I cry.

Line 8:

...the smiles i put on...

When 'i' refers to you, the person, it is always best to capitalise it. So, 'i' should be I.

Line 10:

...someone saying wow who is that?

I suggest using either speech marks here, or italics. So, either:

...someone saying, "Wow, who is that?"

or

...someone saying wow, who is that?

Line 11:

...to feel included a

I am not certain why this line ends with 'a'?

General Suggestions:

As I mentioned above, I think that this is a piece of prose poetry. I believe that it would read better as 'regular' poetry, however. Some lines are long and lose their rhythm and flow. That rhythm and flow would be vastly improved by traditional poetic spacing. For example:

to be understood on the horrible days where emotion fills the room and tears are never ending to be loved unconditionally to be seen and the ray of sunshine you bring to others on the worst of days

It may be worth trying out how it would read with different spacing:

To be understood on the horrible days when emotion fills the room
and tears are never-ending;
to be loved, unconditionally;
to be seen
as the ray of sunshine you bring to others
on the worst of days.

This is just me playing around. You may prefer different spacing. I hope it highlights, however, the different rhythm and flow this creates and how it improves (in my opinion) the clarity of the piece.

In line with the above, I suggest going for full punctuation. That would improve the overall clarity and reading experience. I have used some above. Another example would be the repeated line:

see me pick me choose me

This could be punctuated as

See me, pick me, choose me.

or, more impactful yet, I think:

See me. Pick me. Choose me.

As you can see in my examples, I suggest allowing the capitalisation at the beginning of each line to depend upon the individual sentences within the piece. I recommend this whether you stay with prose poetry or opt to change the spacing. Either way, it perfects the overall clarity and reading experience.

My Rating:

I enjoyed this piece. It's thoughtful, and touching, and I believe it has a lot of potential.

I did have some suggestions. I understand if this feels daunting - that is certainly not my intention. You have something promising here. I wouldn't have spent my time writing this review if I did not believe that to be the case. For now, I will give this item a rating of 3 out of 5, but I feel that with a bit of work it can shine and achieve that 5-star rating.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Write on!

Kit




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .