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 Review #4713871 |
| (5.0)| Hi Daisan. I'm reviewing Itty Bit today at your request. As a fellow student of writing, I offer my comments and suggestions in hopes you'll find something useful to you with your craft.  First Impressions: This is a beautifully-written scene that I believe is part of a much bigger project. Beautiful in its vivid clarity and raw honesty. I think you're aware I'm a reviewer who usually has no problems finding at least little things to pick at in the items I review, but I'll have to work hard to find anything that might help you improve. This is a stunning scene, and it's all about the dialogue and body language; I'll go into this in the next stack of books. This story isn't something I would go out and choose to read, but only because it's so real that I find myself uncomfortable with my feelings as I read it; personal fears, including the likelihood of cruelty and hate on future pages. (I'm a coward, not proud of it.) There is a touch of foreshadowing that Tyree might run into trouble in his search for Jody, but Itty Bit's opinion of the odd visitor seems to evolve during their interaction through the screen door. By the end of the scene, I had a more positive feeling about Tyree and Itty Bit, enough that I'm cautiously interested in following their story. But I also expect my positive feeling to be pulled out from under me–as it should be. This review isn't about me, but there you have a small example of how easily your writing got under my skin and into my heart. Dialogue/Character Interactions: This scene is built on dialogue and body language, and it works brilliantly. The first paragraph of this scene gives us, the readers, the hook we need–just as a hook is needed at the beginning of a short story or chapter. I'm hooked immediately by the minimal but highly effective description of Itty Bit when she opens the door and looks out at the visitor through the screen door. Then we're hit with the dialogue: her voice is hard but curious, his is sugary in his obvious desire to come inside. And with the meaning of their words is the dialect, which for me was seamless. Oftentimes, authors overdo written dialect to get the voices across to the reader–that isn't the case here. I can hear the voice and the accent of both characters through their chosen words and the slight changes here and there with accent marks. Through her body language, Itty Bit expresses far more to the visitor than her words. But the scene ends with, "Tyree. She’d remember." This uncertainty led me to re-read the scene with my "writer's mind" and I had to rethink her body language and wonder whether I've been played by her, just as Tyree was. Itty Bit tries warning him off in the beginning, and keeps her arms crossed, her robe wrapped around her. But when he persists, she drops her arms, allowing him a good look, and continues to warn him while also seeming to encourage him with a nod and a smile and asking him a few question–including his name at the end. Her movements might have been more deliberate than I'd thought at first. She had to be a trusted employee at the house to be answering the door and dealing with strangers so coolly. Excellent writing, keeping the reader from knowing what's going on inside her head, while Tyree is an open book. I don't know what kind of man Tyree is, but from his body language and the way he expresses himself, I can't help but like him. That's my reader mind again. Now I've thought through Itty Bit's words and moves, I wonder if there's not more to him than meets the eye, or ear. And maybe he has ulterior motives for getting into that house as well. I'm definitely intrigued. One thing I noticed that you might want to look at: There's one stretch of text in the middle of the scene where dotted paragraphs begin with, "He nodded." "She shrugged." "She nodded." "He grinned." "She nodded." "She snorted." This might be completely fine, because the reader is absorbed in the scene and the short tips on their movements give enough to enhance the dialogue that they fade into the background without the reader noticing. I only noticed because of the repetitive "nodded." You might want to change at least one of those nods to a different action–if you can find one that doesn't break the rhythm of the dialogue. Actually, there are two places: "She nodded. “That’s it.”" and "She nodded. “Yeah.”" where you might just remove one of the nods since her reply is affirmative. The discussion is back and forth, so I don't think the reader would become confused without another line being unattributed. I don't presume to change the flow of your voice, so I offer this just something to consider. Final Thoughts: There's a small technical thing I want to mention to you before I end this review. That is, I want to suggest that you include three genres in the info box for this story. You've chosen Crime/Gangster as one, and the next two are left as Other. This limits the visibility of your story to the rest of the WDC community. Many members search for items to read by genre, so it's always good to fill in those extra blanks, even if they don't feel quite exact. Looking over the genres, you might list it as Cultural, Dark, Drama, or even Erotica, depending on where you're going with it. (And anyone who pulls it up as erotica, for example, will see the first genre and know what they're getting into before they begin reading.) I'm intrigued, much more so than I was when I began writing this review. I think you must have quite a story planned, which means you've got your work cut out for you–I believe you're up to the task if this scene is an example of your bigger work, no matter the length. I hope you'll keep at it, and I'd love to hear from you again. I'd be interested in reviewing another scene or chapter here and there. Maybe if I read it a scene or chapter at a time, not the story straight through, I'll be able to enjoy the writing and the story without getting to too emotionally involved.  I truly wish you all the best in your writing pursuits, Daisan. I don't know that I've offered much help with this review, but maybe I've highlighted a few things you're doing really well. Good luck, and of course, Write On!   
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/27/2023 @ 6:13pm EDT