\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4713726
Review #4713726
Viewing a review of:
 
Friday Nights  Open in new Window. [E]
Writers Cramp Entry Sept 25, Brady Bunch Prompts
by H❀pe Author Icon
Review of Friday Nights  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
You can write but you let yourself down when it comes to editing. There are too many mistakes to ignore in this beautiful little piece. I'll list them for you in a moment but first I must say how much I enjoyed reading this.

You allowed the story to reveal itself so naturally, especially when it is considered how odd were the phrases you had to include according to the contest requirements. It takes time for the reader to understand the full picture and what is going on, but understand he does, and the journey there is what is so enjoyable. It draws the reader into the action and holds him there. Quite masterfully and yet quietly done - an admirable technique.

So unassuming yet charming a story too. It's the way you have told it that gives it such power. A tiny gem that sparkles from the page.

And then there's the errors. It's the work of a moment to fix them but I really shouldn't have to list them like this.

"With breaths held the pair pinned a piece of paper" - Should be, "With breath held, the pair pinned a piece of paper"

Alaster is first spelt like that but then becomes Alister. You say he was "laying upside down' but you mean he was "lying upside down." Unless he was a chicken, of course. We only "lay down" when it's a thing we're putting down.

"hard luck looser" should be "hard luck loser." "Lose" means to misplace, "loose" is what your shirt might be.

There are other places that should really have commas, and the marble earns a capital letter in the final paragraph for some reason, but these are so minor that they're hardly worth mentioning. The others are the kind of things that distract a reader, however, and so they need to be dealt with. You should be catching them, not me.

It's such a pity to lessen the impact of so beautiful a piece with such minor niggles. I would suggest a spelling checker and, maybe, a grammar checker. They won't pick up the laying/lying and lose/loose errors, however. Those just have to be memorised.

Wonderful writing.

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/26/2023 @ 9:07pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4713726