Dear Jay O'Toole ,

I love reading and reviewing haiku. While form is short, it can be packed with complex detail intoning intent and vision borne out of this age old Japanese poetry approach. Poets who really get it right can illuminate a mind with great inner thought that could go as far as examining existentialism. Having said that, I'm looking at your poem, "Invalid Entry" . Let's put it on the board to examine:



There are times when a title can set up a poem well, especially with something as short as a haiku. Your title was most appropriate, almost as if it softened my eyes and soothed my soul before I approached. The words choosen to start the post have alliteration, single syllables, but an inactive verb. The words 'to shine' caused me to stumble, stuck out like a sore thumb. I couldn't suggest ways to repair, just point out what I noticed there. It's difficult to suggest, act as the authority on someone else's words. I'm sure you best know how to deal with it, once something has been pointed out.

Sometimes, I go without articles like 'the' before a word, and it works. Articles can be extraneous. Just ask the Brits. But,{c} 'late day sun gives warmest gift' was also stiff. I wanted to loosen my shoulders, shake it off, give it another read. Flow can be important to a haiku and now it's got me thinking of possible repairs. 'gives' is a weak verb. And jumping down to line three, the verb 'sits' also squats where a more unique, descriptive verb could be the element that fires up your poem, sparks the heart of a reader.

'sunset sits with all'

it's vague? there is alliteration at work. There is simple language, which I like. Descriptiveness, setting might be lacking. Considering: your poem is actually the framework of a scene more like an event. We don't get a sense of season. We can't really imagine ourselves there, unless we fabricate. Fabrication is your role as author here. But, really, what isnpires a haiku? An experience.

Really, there is nothing bad about your poem. On the other end, there is nothing remarkable. Just go with me on this. Poetry is something we write because of something joyous, experience, and all the other stuff that emotes. Haikus are about nature, usually about something that surprises the soul through our eyes. What can a haiku help us visualize?

I think you are capable of approaching another haiku and thinking of a scene that has all these elements. When or where does shade get pushed out by light shine? This might be mid-morning on a cool Autumn day, when the air is dry and the leaves are about to fall in bright array? And that last line is supposed to hit us with a revelation. What could it be about sunset? Oh, yeah. Sunset. We are warmed by it's setting on the horizon, falls over our face. There is a moment there in sunset. I think the poet felt something. I think you can convey it.

This has been intriguing for me. Haikus like this really get us to think about the process. I'm interested in what it takes to motivate a person to haiku. What reward they get from the experience. And, as a reader, what personal experience do we contain, like light, that illuminates memory to help us render a scene near to yours, to immerse ourselves in a poetic experience.

This is all good. You keep up with the haikus. Read a few. Sometimes, inspiration comes from some unusual places. It was a pleasure to read and comment on your poetry. Thank you very much for sharing,

Brian
Super Power Reviewer




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .