%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4713569 |
| (4.0)| Hi Kayden  ,Welcome to Writing.Com!  Overall Impression: This is an interesting poem. It highlights the similarities between twins, but also the differences. It tends to be expected that twins are close, but that is not necessarily the case. I like the concept of one twin being the light and the other, as a result, being the shadow. That's clever and creates some excellent imagery. It makes me ponder what it's like to be the twin who finds themselves in their sibling's shadow. It also makes me wonder how that sibling experiences being the one in the light, and if they notice - and care - how this affects their twin. There's a definite sense of duality throughout, and it works. On the technical side of things, the poem reads well. On the whole, you have done a good job here. Suggestions: I do have some suggestions, dear author. I hope that you'll find them helpful! Line 3:  even on the looks we are...I suggest changing 'on the' to in. Line 10: She made me shadowThis doesn't read smoothly. She made me a shadow or She turned me into a shadow, perhaps? General Suggestions: You do not need to place the title in the main item - it's already at the top of the page. You have used a tiny font size. I recommend going for something larger. It makes it easier on the eye and, therefore, will attract a wider audience. I am not certain about the two instances of a line consisting of the word 'But'. Once, perhaps, to make an impact, but that impact is lessened when it's done twice in a short poem. You use some capitalisation in this piece. Sometimes, however, you begin a new sentence with a lower case and that can cause some confusion for the reader. I recommend allowing the capitalisation at the beginning of each line to depend upon the individual sentences within the piece. That would improve the overall clarity and reading experience. In line with this, I suggest the use of punctuation. At the very least, I suggest ending each sentence (rather than each line) with a period. That would perfect the overall clarity and reading experience. This piece is listed as lyrics, but it's a short piece of ten lines. I couldn't make out verse or chorus. That's why I treated it as a poem. If it was indeed meant to be a poem, I suggest changing the listing.My Rating: This is a promising piece. I enjoyed the read. There's some clever imagery and I did like that duality. I did have some suggestions. My apologies if they come across as a little daunting. That isn't the intention. Most suggestions are tiny, and some are a matter of personal preference. Therefore, I will give this item a rating of 4 out of 5. You have something interesting here - I am sure that you can make it shine! Thank you for sharing your work. Write on! Kit    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.