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 Review #4713522 |
| (4.0)| It would help if you had given a quick rundown of the contest's requirements. I've no doubt it shaped your entry to some extent at least, and this would give the prospective reader or reviewer some idea of what you were aiming at. As it is, I am left wondering just what the piece is supposed to be. And to describe it as Other doesn't help at all. It matters, you see. If it's supposed to be a story, it doesn't work because it doesn't go anywhere. It might be a vignette, but a very unusual one since it is entirely taken up with the description of Jenna. And that's the only clue I'm given - it's certainly a full, detailed and vivid description of this imagined character. But do they have contests for descriptions? I've not seen one. If they do, this piece would be a winner. You have a powerful ability to describe things, almost too powerful at times, when you tend to run away with your marvellous images and metaphors. You have a gift for painting things with original and striking images (I love "the giant yawn of the sky"). A problem may be that you know it - you have a tendency to go overboard with your descriptions, piling on one image after another until they get lost in a writhing mass of colour and light. The reader comes out confused and not really having a coherent view of what you were trying to communicate. You need to be in control of what you want the reader to understand. Don't pour images over him, shoot them individually at him, giving time between each for them to be absorbed. Watch the grammar too - there are times when it gets lost and it becomes debatable what exactly you're talking about. An example is this: "a junked yellow mantrap clanking through an empty stretch on a muggy night, that’s been more like the outsides of a beer can – glistening with sweat, reflecting light of (off) its dark, slender fluid body..." What is being described here, the cab, Jenna or an experience? Wonderful, brilliant words, but descriptive of what? If the reader can't tell, they're wasted. The thing is, you have a gift for description but it has to have a purpose. Aim it at getting across some aspect of Jenna, then make sure the essential points are being stated but no more. If you've heard a phrase before, cut it out - it's as good as a cliché. Do two descriptions fight or contradict each other? One of them has to go - choose the one that hits hardest. Now, after all this work on Jenna, you have to do something with her. Having come to know Jenna to some extent, the reader is going to want a reason to have done so. Where's she going, what is about to happen, what story are we getting involved in? A glance at the genres you've listed in the header tells us nothing - we need to have some idea of where the piece is going and what we can expect from it. Don't avoid telling readers this - you'll lose some of them that way. You have a fantastic talent. It's not often such access to bright and startling images is granted. Now you have to direct it, to give a purpose to the wonderful visions you create. Talent gives a headstart but no headstart lasts forever. Give me story!    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/12/2024 @ 12:48am EST