%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4713328 |
 | Terabytes and Graphene  [E] Opening/chapter 1 with hook...a love story, essentially  |
| Review of Terabytes and Graphene by Wrath.of.Khan Initial Impression: You have said tha the piece is envisioned as a sort of Bladerunner 4949, and I definitely get that feeling from it. I was quite drawn into it from the beginning but then began to get a bit lost in the unexplained details introduced by the second woman (the one you call Not-Amber). Presuming that you will unravel these details in a later chapter, I ploughed on, but it's something you need to think about. Is it a good idea to throw so many unexplained factors at the reader so soon? I'll list them under a heading below and let you decide. Title: Fits with an unexplained detail in this first chapter. I know about terabytes but graphene has me groping. Sure, I could Google it, but would a prospective reader looking at titles? And don't get all tech-superior about it - chase away the tech-challenged and you're scaring off readers. So I think you need a more straightforward and catchy title. Content: No grammar errors or other writing whoopsies that I could find. You write well and know how to deal with dialogue and pace. Very sophisticated and knowledgeable style but, as mentioned earlier, you may be in danger of shooting yourself in the foot in this area. Let's look at those points where you ask the reader to bear with an unexplained detail. "a woman saunters in and pixelates into whole" - a huge hint that this woman is not what she seems. A SF reader will know that all will become clear and will be prepared to wait. But you'll not get away with this forever. "My system databases are so much bigger." - Obviously part of the mystery above but it doesn't help someone struggling to understand. "An army of engineers couldn't optimize this..." - Optimise what? "the pads of her fingertips fade into his skin." - She really isn't just a woman, is she? It's about here that I begin to lose patience. "Question indicates the algorithm is working quite well." - Enough already! D'you see what I mean? You're building a huge backlog of questions that need answering if the reader is going to understand what's going on. The answer may be pretty simple but it needs to be given now - later will lose you readers. The device on his temple - Even Not-Amber is mystified by this. And I can hardly blame her for walking out when he refuses to answer her question. SF writers love this game of tantalising with weird facts that remain unexplained until later. It builds a sense of the strangeness of the future and SF readers are used to it. But you can't push it too far without losing the reader. At the very least, I think you should tell us in this chapter that Not-Amber is an android of some kind (that's my guess). Then the related facts can be filled in at another time. Characters You wanted to know whether there's enough building of character for the relationship between Krim and Not-Amber to be apparent and believable. I think they're both well drawn and I detect a certain romantic feeling in Not-Amber towards Krim. Presuming she's an android, thst would be highly unusual and would indicate that the algorithm is indeed working rather well - perhaps better than Krim intended (okay, so my guess extends beyond that she's an android but it's just a guess until you confirm it). Style: Nothing wrong here - in fact, I'll go so far as to compliment you on your ability to present a fascinating and gripping tale. Flow/Pace: Again, you have this one nailed down. Flows appropriately without hiccup. Suggestions: Hmm, I've made a few already, haven't I? They all boil down to one big one, however, and that should be easily mended. Overall Impression: You know how to create a story and write it in a coherent and attractive way. Think about how the reader will react to what you're writing and you should be a star. Thanks for a highly enjoyable read.    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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