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Review #4712474
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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You put considerable thought into the construction and presentation of this story. It starts quite normally, although some readers might wonder why the first two paragraphs are in parentheses. Then the courtroom throws us into a very different reality, which goes along well enough until, suddenly, we're in a chapel with several white dogs bedecked with red ribbons. And you sort it all out with a few words in the last three paragraphs!

It's very cleverly done. The piece is constructed in this unusual way to illustrate the change from reality to dream and hallucination states. It all makes perfect sense in the end. Well done indeed.

Particularly in the first three paragraphs, you have a tendency to load sentences with too much information. This can be a bit confusing, as you add more and more detail, much of which is not essential to the story. It can also lead to mistakes like this: "..a white puppy with a red bow fastened in with a doggie safety belt..." - it reads as though the red bow was fastened in by the safety belt. Especially for active scenes like the accident, it's best to use short sentences, feeding information in short bursts and keeping up the pace for the reader.

The rest of the story is comprised of the strange and vivid flashes of scenes that can only be understood as visions from the protagonist's recovery in a hospital bed. As he drifts in and out of consciousness, the events of the accident and other memories form an odd mixture in his mind.

Altogether an entertaining story told with verve and originality.

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