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 Review #4712469 |
| This is an interesting piece, although it reads like a chapter in a much longer story. I suspect that you are developing an idea for a book by writing down some of the episodes as separate documents. If true, that's fine, but you should give some indication that this is what you're doing. Judged as a standalone story, the piece doesn't really work. One reason for this is the construction of the piece. You jump around in time, writing flashbacks and then returning to the present without any warning or indication. Readers will accept this only if they feel you will explain things further into the piece. But you don't. I assume that you will pull the focus back a bit in later pieces, so the the reader can get a better grasp of what is happening. There are a lot of new and strange names thrown at the reader, too. This can be confusing - in fact, you've even confused yourself somewhat in calling one of the characters "Ak-a-Wa'Ki." Within a few sentences, he becomes "Am-a-Wa'Ki." It's probably a typo but is an example of the fact that you're not doing enough editing. The piece is riddled with typos and spelling/grammar errors, too many for me to list here. I can only suggest that you use grammar and spelling checkers to assist you. Most word processors have them these days and, while they won't catch all the errors, they should find most. Words like "laid" the checkers won't point out. The word is the past tense of "lay," meaning to put something down. In the context what you have used it, it is incorrect. You mean "lay", being the past tense of the word "lie," to be in a prone or horizontal position. It's a common mistake but that doesn't mean it will be ignored by potential publishers and readers. For some reason, most of the errors are in the first half of the piece. Once you get to the coyote, the mistakes become less obtrusive and you begin to sound almost lyrical. I can tell that this is what you really wanted to write about and you do it well. It seems to me that your best bet would be to scrap the fight and all that about the various tribes, and begin with the guy, having survived an unspecified fight, struggling through the desert. That would be a much sounder basis on which to build the story. The coyote's wisdom is quite compelling, too. This establishes an excellent hook to lead the reader deeper into the world you are building. And now you see why the piece should really lead on into a much larger story, perhaps even a book. You have a very effective style, stripping away unnecessary detail and making the action clear and involving. Don't spoil it by skimping on the proofreading and editing stages. If you are serious about your writing, they are skills that are indispensable.    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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