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Review #4712229
Viewing a review of:
 Blindsided Lines:18  [E]
Seasons change
by jackiesmuse
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A short but jewel-like poem, this. I like the construction, three lines of description followed by a two-line refrain, the pattern repeated twice and, finally, a three-line ending.

At first, we're brought into a day full of bright hope and colour, with the refrain speaking of love within the setting (quite jewel-like already, isn't it?). Then there's the contrast with the last leaf on the tree and a more ominous tone. I wondered about this at first. But there's a strange attraction in that leaf, enough to continue the theme of natural beauty. And then the refrain, love finding the best in all circumstances.

So to the evening and hot chocolate in front of a warm fire, the theme continues. The refrain follows. And then the coda, three lines that encapsulate the reason for the poem, the sudden dissipation of beauty with the end of love. It's a fine description of a sad but common thing.

Talking of "sudden," I have a feeling that the word would be better placed in "leaving it barren suddenly" by this: "leaving it suddenly barren." It's a subtle difference, I know, but just seems more powerful to me like that. Sometimes word order can be quite important in poetry.

And the word crops up again at the end. Try taking it out entirely so that we have two lines:

"and then
we were not"

It seems more abrupt and final that way, don't you think? It's a thought, anyway, and entirely your decision.

To sum up, it's an excellent poem, simple yet powerful in expression, and an enjoyable read. Keep writing!

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Beholden


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