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 Review #4712217 |
 | Regrets Over Living  [13+] Continuing the story of Cor: he begins to see why his new body was so easy to come by.  |
| (4.5)| Disclaimer: I may suggest changes in my review. This is not meant as 'serious' literary criticism (I’m no expert). It's merely my record of the ‘bumps’ I encounter as I travel through your words. If I'm thrown by a typo, an awkward word, or a line that doesn't scan, then it's likely that others will be as well. My intent in giving a review is to applaud your work and maybe help you to improve it. A review is merely another reference to consider. If the suggestions prove useful, then use them. If I ‘just don’t get it’, then by all means ignore me! I found this on Read & Review and enjoyed reading it. The story is intriguing and held my interest. It's a good chapter for inclusion in a longer piece. Your writing style is good and appropriate for the genre. The dialogue sounds natural to my ear. I didn't find spelling or grammar issues. The body swap is a good plot device, but I found myself confused about the details. I think another sentence or two of explanation would help. The other guy would have to be either unwilling or suicidal to accept a dying body? And it's not clear to me which body is which: Cor himself was growing depressed: he’d lost Reg, his tigra-ban friend, to a fornamite. The end result was that Cor got to keep his body (his friends body? the fornamites body?) and his life, but he lost his friend on a mission that was meant to pay off the priest who swapped Cor out of his dying body and into his new, more muscular body. Here are some additional suggestions (in bold blue) for your consideration: She smiled and shook her head. It wasn’t a pleasant smile. Her eyes gleamed in the dark, reflecting any (some) point of light from outside the open window. Cor suddenly felt sick in his mouth. (a pang of remorse?) Her eyes, no longer gleaming, looked hopeful and sad. and Cor felt his heart tremble at the thought that two tykes were out in the world and expecting him Cor felt true despair. and he He had never missed and hated Reg so much in his entire life. Overall, a good read. Keep writing! Words Whirling 'Round A poet merely pens a mirror, the reader brings the reflection.        My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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