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Review #4712203
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Opening night at the Delicatessen  [E]
Nervous moments for a Daily Flash Fiction challenge | 9/14/23 winner
by H❀pe
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a delightful little story with a superbly calculated title that intrigues, gives nothing away, but helps the penny to drop in the end. The writing is fresh, different and attractive without even a hint of artifice, and the story is simple but satisfying.

You, young lady, are positively busting with talent and I must insist that you never give up on writing. This comes with a warning, however. The text is packed with errors, typos, glitches and grammatical whoopsies. I think it was written for the Flash Fiction Contest so there may have been no time for editing, but I worry about those grammar errors. You might have to resort to a decent grammar checker but don't let that put you off. Writers use all sorts of electronic aids these days.

I'll list those errors I picked up on my first read-through. As I said, there are quite a few but don't get discouraged. These are the kind of things that are fixed quickly and easily. Here we go:

"this is a blimmen delicatessen!” - I've never seen "blimmen" before but guessed it was a way of saying "bloomin." I asked Google and I was right but, ironically, it also means "a slug's penis." It's up to you whether you want to change it or not.

"to rub around collar ruff" - Should be "to rub around the collar ruff," I think.

"scull" should be "skull"

"a hobbyist with a day job" - It took me a while to work out who is meant by this, Walter or the electrician. If you include this phrase with the rest of the quote of Walter's thought, it becomes clearer that it's the electrician who's the hobbyist.

"“Keep trying.” Returned the painted man" - This was another statement that had me scratching my head. Eventually, I realised that the problem was that the full stop should be a comma and that "Returned" should not have a capital letter. It's a wonderful example of how punctuation can change the meaning of a sentence, however. Referring to Walter as the painted man can also be confusing. Not everyone is going to remember that he's wearing greasepaint. In this case, it might be better just to refer to him as Walter.

One more suggestion would be to use all three options under Genres in the heading. Contest Entry and Other aren't going to bring in any readers searching for a particular genre of story.

Sorry to be so picky but, quite honestly, I wouldn't go to all this trouble if I didn't think you were worth it. All of the points I've mentioned are minor and easily mended. Your talent still shines through but how great would it be if all those niggly little errors could vanish away?

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Beholden


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