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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711973
Review #4711973
Viewing a review of:
 
Elle's fictional prose  [GC]
A collection of stories (micro, short and long) on various topics
by Elle - on hiatus
         Review for entry/chapter: "Worth A Try (18+)" 
Review by Nobody’s Home
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: GC | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Elle! I'm reviewing Worth A Try for today's SuperPower Reviewers Raid. As a fellow student of writing, I offer my comments and suggestions in hopes you'll find something useful to you.

*BookStack* Impressions/Suggestions: This story surprised me and left me grinning! I want to read (I almost wrote "watch" *Laugh*) the next chapter! You did a great job building the tension throughout Pete's meeting with the rugby folks. I think I was as relieved as Pete was near the end of the story when he found a friend and confidante (and the hint of more) in Mike. There's minimal physical description but I have a great picture of Mike and Pete in my mind–I love that!

         *Bookopen* A question I had right from the start is: who is Joe and what is his relationship to Pete? From the way Joe spoke to Pete–sarcastic, judgmental, but also caring and eventually accepting–I began with toxic parent and changed my assessment to older brother, perhaps Joe even raised Pete himself. I suggest adding a phrase at the very start of the story to identify Joe so the reader can forget this question so they aren't distracted by it when the move on to the next scene.

         *Bookopen* The analogy used to describe Joe's sarcasm, "so thick I felt like I needed to find a pair of scissors to cut a hole in it big enough to allow me to reply" is excellent. Very well done. Their dialogue also comes across as very natural, relatable. Great rapport between these two (brothers?).

         *Bookopen* The last line of the first scene ends with the phrase, "I knew I had won this round" which left me wondering why he'd expect another round, and if it would have to do with the purchase of the rugby team or something else. Since the story doesn't continue (unless there's more in your port that I need to find), I suggest deleting the last two words so the line ends with, "...I knew I had won. this round"

*BookStack* Take-Away: I just re-read the second half of the story, and it made me grin all over again. I want you to write more of this story if you haven't already done so. I'm serious! I'm going to send you an email challenge after I finish this review *Wink*


I'm so glad I read this story, Elle! I'd only read your non-fiction and poetry before this. Yay for member–member review raids! *Bigsmile* Anyway, I hope you'll found some of my comments or suggestions helpful. I wish you all the best on your writing journey.
Write (and review!) on! *HeartB*



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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/14/2023 @ 11:06pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711973