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 Review #4711745 |
 | (1 of 4) The Brothers  [E] A contemplation on brotherhood, the Universe, and God.  |
| (3.5)| Hello Edified Ronin. I'm reviewing "(1 of 4) The Brothers" today at your request. As a fellow student of writing, I offer my honest feedback in kindness and in hopes you'll find something here that's useful to you in your writing journey. Impressions: This is an interesting introduction and first part of a four-part story. In this scene, Dimitry enters a bar and carefully takes in the scene. He spots his brother sitting in a corner, and they are reunited over a drink. The the reader learns to distrust the second brother, Ivan, immediately, based on his body language, words, and actions. The two brothers' interactions are tense: Ivan's dialogue is falsely jovial, and they watch one another carefully as if sizing each other up. It makes the reader wonder how they last parted and what brings them together now and in this near-empty bar in nasty winter weather. Comments: The dialogue is very well written. In general, by this I mean that it comes across as naturally occurring, the way brothers would banter with one another in public. Equally important, though, all of the dialogue serves a purpose in this story, which I applaud. It gives the reader glimpses into each brother's character, hints to how they related to each other as children, and adds tension and possible foreshadowing to the scene. This is definitely a strength in your writing skill-set. Your descriptions are also meaty and appropriate (not over-done), which is a bonus for me.  Suggestions: This story is written in Third Person Omniscient, which has many strengths, but also weaknesses you might consider. What I see happening through this part is what's often referred to as "head-hopping." There are two characters, and in Third Person it can be useful to see a situation from each character's POV. However, "hopping" between the characters every few paragraphs, as happens in this entry, can be very jarring and confusing for the reader. I recommend you choose a single point of view (POV) character for the entire story or at least the entirety of the chapter/part to prevent confusion and to help solidify each of the characters as individuals in your readers' minds. Note: If this were a longer story and a longer chapter, you might consider writing the first section of this chapter from Dimitry's POV as he arrives, and switch POV to Ivan (with a line break to make the POV change obvious) when they greet each other–or vice versa. Do what works best for the way you wank this story to come across and be understood by your readers. Something else I'll mention about Omniscient POV that doesn't necessarily apply to this story (I can't say since I've only read part one) is to be aware of how much you're sharing with the reader about each character. It can be helpful to give your reader insight into the characters, but remember to balance those insights with some unknowns or mystery to keep the reader thinking and guessing–you want to keep your reader engaged so they keep reading. The first pharagraph: This is the most important part of your story. It needs to hook your reader, catch their interest, make them curious enough to keep reading. As such, I'll take a few more minutes to address a few things I noticed here. In the first sentence of the story: "Dimitry entered with a gust of sleeting rain, [which was all at once silenced] by the thud of the heavy wooden door behind him." I love that you use the wind, icy rain, and the sound of those things being suddenly absent, but I find the wording in brackets awkward. I suggest rephrasing the those words, or possibly the whole sentence. Because it's the first sentence of the story, I recommend moving the more dramatic action to the start of the sentence while also making it more succinct–something like, "The heavy wood door thudded closed behind Dimitry, locking out the gusting icy rain." If you're interested in changing this line, please play with it to make it work for you. It's just an example to give you an idea of what I'm going for, and doesn't include the imagery your original line had.The second sentence: "The saccades of his eyes explored the bar that stretched most of the length of the room."I don't know if most people are familiar with the word, saccades, but I had to look it up in the dictionary, which told me it's used either technically or archaically. I recommend getting rid of most of this sentence, and melding the more pertinent information with the next sentence to make it read something like the following: "Dimitry scanned the bar which stretched almost the length of the room. He couldn't help but catch his reflection in a mirror positioned above a vacant table."  Take-Away: The description line/subtitle of this title intrigues me, and I like the way you've approached this meeting of two. I'm really interested in seeing where how and where this reunion of brothers leads to the contemplations. If I can get back to it, I'll try to review others of this series. If you edit this item, adjusting the POV, I'll be happy to come back and change my review and rating. I think this is a terrific start to a great story.I hope you've found some of my comments or suggestions helpful. I wish you all the best in your writing pursuits! Write on!   
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/12/2023 @ 6:17pm EDT