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Review #4711581
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 The Note...  [E]
Innocence of youth.
by Dobie Mom
Review of The Note...  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And happy anniversary from me too!

This is an amusing little tale with a happy outcome, especially for the character, June. It's full of innocent fun and the possibility of disaster - which is what makes the ending such a relief, of course. A most enjoyable read, in fact.

Part of my job as a reviewer is to offer suggestions for improvement of the piece and I have a few. For instance, you do have a tendency toward long sentences with little relief for the reader. The worst offender is this: "June turned her head in the direction her friend pointed, and when she found him, Johnny, the most popular boy in 5th grade was staring at her with a huge smile on his face, and she blushed, and everyone giggled." This would be far better if broken down as follows: "June turned her head in the direction her friend pointed. Johnny, the most popular boy in 5th grade, was staring at her with a huge smile on his face. She blushed and everyone giggled." Note that I've removed "and when she found him" as it's unnecessary.

Be sparing with that word "and" - it gets you in too much trouble. In the following case, it makes you start giving out chuckles as if they were candy: "...looked and found June and then gave a small chuckle to his friend." Much easier and smoother to say, "He found June and chuckled."

The first sentence in the fourth paragraph is another marathon and needs to be divided into more manageable sentences. You can see that your main problem is knowing when to end a sentence. I would suggest that you limit yourself to just one "and" in any sentence, thereby forcing any more information to go into a subsequent sentence.

Finally, a word about presentation. I see you used only two of the three options for genre and they were Contest Entry and Other. Neither tells a prospective reader anything about the story. If you're trying to attract readers, make sure that you give three meaningful answers to the genre question, even if it's not easy to think of a third that applies. All genres pull in readers searching for stories of that type and you will broaden your readership by giving such details.

As I said in the beginning, you have a delightful tale in this and, with just a little editing, it can be so much better. Don't be deterred and keep writing!

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Beholden




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