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Review #4711558
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 You Open in new Window. [E]
Needing someone not knowing what you have with the person but still wanting the feeling.
by BINX Author Icon
Review of You  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This shows a lot of potential. I like its direct approach, its confession of ignorance of the cause of feeling, and the need to feel more. It's so familiar and common to us all, I should imagine.

It is a little bit wordy, however, meaning that it tends to use two words where one would do and sometimes repeats itself. The first stanza is perfect and should be left alone - it says what it has to say without artifice and is a powerful and moving statement as a result. In the second stanza, the words "but just as" are not really necessary - the meaning is communicated faster and even more urgently if you just say, "Quick to come, quick to leave." And I think the repeat of the word "leave" later in the stanza is slightly distracting for the reader. Perhaps better to say "go" the second time.

In the third stanza, you don't need the word "like." "Your touch is electricity" is more powerful and immediate. Then there's a typo - "Corsing" should be "Coursing."

The last two lines are a bit long and clumsy. Try to be more direct in what you say and don't worry too much about grammar. For instance, you could change them like this:

"Suddenly feeling the summer heat all over

I'm too scared of this feeling."

These are suggestions and I'm not expecting that you would change the poem unless you feel strongly that I am right. It's more that they're given to show how you can make your writing tighter and more efficient, getting right to the heart of the matter, rather than circling around it. Your poem remains very emotive and affecting for the reader. I've not seen many more honest and truthful renderings of young love.

Oh, I meant to say, too, that you can pull in more readers to your items if you use all three of the genres allowed. Even if you have to stretch things a little on the third choice, you'll reach people searching for more genres and it won't matter how accurate you are once they start reading.

Beautiful little poem and I congratulate you on it.

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