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Review #4710676
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: | (3.0)
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For a short story, it's too long. Not that there's a hard and fast rule about the length of short stories, but this one is longer than it needs to be. The problem is it contains too much detail and too often becomes a step by step account of ongoing action. The trick is to include the things or deeds that matter while cutting out everything that doesn't.

That is harder than it sounds. You have to try to read it as though you've never seen it before. Be aware that you want to get to the point. So look for extra info that doesn't help the plot to keep moving or that tells us things that aren't important (like hair colour for instance) and cut it out. In a short story, appearance seldom matters. Let the reader fill in the gaps for himself.

A related problem is the dialogue. As well as it too often stating the obvious, there are times when it doesn't ring true. Think of your characters, what kind of people they're likely to be, and try to be them when they're speaking. An example is the talking in the first scene. It begins with this: “You’re trapped,” Edd said, a cruel smile upon his face. “But if you hand over your money, we’ll set you free.” It's not the way robbers address their prey - far too polite and helpful. More likely is something like, "Let's have the money then, Sunshine." The false indication of friendship by the inclusion of a nickname adds character.

Don't be concerned with everything that is said. Just pick out the relevant bits and use them - throw the rest way.

Also to do with dialogue, you need to identify the speaker more often. I know they tell you it's not needed these days but it is. It is very easy for a reader to get lost in speech exchanges so don't be afraid to keep on with the "he said" and "commented Fred" clarifiers. Not always but enough to ensure the reader stays with you. Again, writing is about understanding readers.

There are a couple of minor edits to attend to - "gain the village peoples trust" needs an apostrophe (people's) and in "We were winning, but our size was decreasing at a rapid pace" means that you were shrinking in size. I think you mean that your numbers were declining.

Finally, the story doesn't go anywhere. To be a story it must have a goal, a reason for being. As it stands, it is more like an exerpt from a larger piece. The unusual character of the bandits (that they want to give up robbing, presumably because of something in their history) needs explanation, but this is never stated. And after the battle the story fades out without any conclusion or denouement. You've built the scene, now finish it.

I have tried to be helpful in these suggestions because I've read the brief bio in your portfolio and I understand that these are early writing days for you. Because I've had so much to say, doesn't mean that the story is without merit - it has many good points. But it needs to be better and, if you can attend to the things I've mentioned, I believe you will go a long to way to improving it. So be of good cheer and keep writing. It's true, you know - practice dorsn't make perfect but it does make better!

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Beholden


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