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 Review #4710581 |
| (5.0)| Dear Poet, I like what you offer in this poem that has so much potential to enlighten a reader to the poet‘s perspective. But what I notice is there is direct telling rather than showing comment even though it’s observation I think it needs to be less direct, which is where poetry often does. Do you want to let the people perusing your text get a feel for what you are feeling. And you are professing a lot that even through structure you could emphasize and highlight what is most important about this text. I start with the beginning: I sit on my porch with a drink in hand When we use the personal pronoun as I’m seeing here, we are editorializing. That’s not bad because you have a perspective on life. This poem is not about describing scenery but the connection to nature and how sitting on that porch gives one a deeper and more imbued feeling about life. The reader takes away the extra emphasis on the personal pronouns and how that impacts what they are looking at. And what I see is someone who is sheltering us from being on that porch. That has purpose and it shouldn’t change. But if it were a different approach it would be ‘from a porch with Drink in hand’ to make a reader feel like they are going to absorb themselves into the scene. It is simple and direct and is more inviting to someone to enter your poem to begin to feel what you show. The sky is a delicate blue The second line starts out with a new fix on vision. In the first line we are looking at the person with a drink while sitting on the porch. We have to use our own imagination what they sat upon, but it is clear that they are now looking up at the sky. Sometimes, this means we are giving consideration to nature. you could be checking the weather, but I also feel the necessity of letting us know the sky is blue and the clouds are like an ivory symphony, means that there is something special up there that makes the person viewing it feel connected. Ivory is an integral mind, something to intone theme, help look in narrative mind. The clouds like an ivory symphony How the clouds are a Symphony can only be expressed in the adjectives you offer “regal, calm, powerful“. this is where descriptiveness can lend to expression. ivory symphony. It’s musical, it’s an arrangement, but it is fuzzy to me to imagine how these clouds implore a reader to visualize. Could like be replaced to get to more direct, metaphorical comparatives, employ strong adjectives? Both are regal, calm, and powerful Furthering the adjectives “elegance“ for the maple trees that loom above. My feeling about maples are that they are round in fall and the branches grow down toward the ground. You can trim them back, but they will always be difficult to walk under. I don’t think maples loom unless you’re a small woodland creature. and how is elegant meant? Because fall is a special time for maple trees. We’re not given anything seasonable up to this point. Elegant maple trees loom above The next line is kind of a shocker. However I am not focused on nature I like it. Because this is what I knew to be true from the beginning, this voice is not interested in leading the reader into the story, but about to pass on wisdom within the context of the scene. If you’re not focused on nature, then something deeper is going on. and what follows here is the poet trying to grasp it, everything around them. A revered jealousy is offered. But it doesn’t explain why we need to start out the story with setting that is not connected to these people he is looking at. The one thing I can say a poem away is on that porch and looking at an empty sky and a maple tree and not talking about a connection to people, it might be about loneliness. next line we have a typo. ‘Passersby’ that’s what you mean to say here. Staring ahead, I watch the passerby’s So the rest for as a block a text to show the second half of your poem. And the line before this also. The line about not being focused on nature should stand on its own. I would break into two stanzas, with the standalone line as a transitional sentence that stands alone in the middle of two blocks of thought, text. I like to imagine the lives they lead My goal is to live through their success, and to feel their happiness Their contentment fills me with hope This optimism is a drug I partake in often I hold onto the high as long as I can, But I can never get a firm grip around it It’s like attempting to clutch fog in a storm Right there at the end you get back to the weather. And, it’s contrast. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it is good contrast to the clear, beautiful weather and nature scene versus fog and storm. These juxtapose because the opening is serene and lonely and the ending is happy yet sad. I find that this doesn’t necessarily need to be upon. This is a journal entry about what one is doing and how they’re focus shifts away from something beautiful to some thing they yearn more than what they have in front of them. I think it’s worthy of a poem. I think it needs a little more attention to how it can echo at the end in nature that is offered in the beginning. It’s almost as if the writer has not noticed the unintended comparison. There is much to consider with this raw piece of writing. I think it is an excellent start for someone who is trying to get beneath the surface, and get more connected. And as a reader I can appreciate the attempt and the expressions and the revelation of the psychology behind the writer, behind the narrative that gives us a fuller perspective of what’s going on. Pleasure, Brian C. Super Power Reviewr’s Group    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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