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 Review #4710578 |
 | A love haiku  [E] my normal trains of thought about love and the new  |
| (3.5)| Dear Shinzo: It is my pleasure to have come across this offering of poem. I am always starving for new information for my eyes so my soul can perceive it through other’s word depictions. "A love haiku" caught my eye because of the title. Also, an interesting description line, as I am always interested in getting inside the minds and hearts of poets.The words are direct, and make a statement while using some of the more questionnaire forms of depiction, such as “the flame of new love“ and “burn spritely“, as common greeting card language sold to sentimental readers, who want to show affection for another. The narrative of this poem is not directed at anyone in particular, but the audience. It serves as a parable with no demonstrable action of experience that provokes these words. It closer look at the haiku Gives me pause. It begs me to ask. How would you take this, paraphrase this, use active verbs and imagery in the language that is fresh and appeals to readers. I could go line by line because it is short. Let’s see what is under the hood of this Vehicle. The flame of new love, Right here begins an honest poem that goes right to the point and does it means words. However, the Haikus is a short form that needs to draw something from life, as with nature. And romance is closely tied to nature. Flame suggests nature and is used as a comparative. It might suggest a flame in one’s soul or heart. burns brightly in the dark night, Here we take the first line and demonstrate what the flame of new love does in a dark night. However, this is common evidence, and does not speak to a singular situation, to an individual, or shine the light, if you will on a new way for our eyes to feed on this feeling use captured in phrase. flickers but doesn't go out. A haiku’s ending serves as a summation of the first two sentences to add moral to the story? This is an opportunity to intone message. And that would be? The feelings presented in the first two lines need summation. And I think a reader would question why it “flickers” or why it doesn’t go out, this flame, the birds brightly in the dark night. Taking it all in, and putting it together, the dark night suggests a life that needs rescuing…from loneliness, lack of true companionship. The flame of new love is like inspiration, as love gives hope. And if this one is young enough, and pardon, naïve enough, they seek their happy ending. This poem does not punctuate ending, but leaves us hanging to wonder what next. this should be a short depiction of life with conclusion. I would suggest a re-draft, but it’s not really necessary. This poem paves away for the writer to keep considering and growing and boiling this information down to it essentials like gold nuggets of information that readers come to see and experience. Many more will be written, if so inspired. I always use a thesaurus in this situation, sometimes go to origins of words, especially the ones that are central to theme. that way, I can avoid the cliché and find something deeper, and richer on the inside to build around, theme. There is more to the writer, than there is to this poem. that way, I can avoid the cliché and find something deeper, and richer on the inside. There is more to the writer than there is to this poem. Thank you for sharing this haiku with us in the writing.com community. It was a pleasure to consider inland feedback. Brian Super power reviewer    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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