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 Review #4710566 |
 | Twenty-Three Years - contest entry  [13+] contest entry for the 23rd birthday no dialogue contest  |
| (4.5)| Hi Geoffrey Williams . Welcome to WDC! I found your self-introduction on the Newbies pages and decided to check out your portfolio–I'm so glad I did! Today I'll review Twenty-Three Years, your entry to the no dialogue contest. As a fellow student of writing, I offer my comments and suggestions with honesty and kindness. If there's anything I mention that doesn't suit your style or make sense (or is just wrong) please disregard it and move on. Impressions: The first thing that caught my attention was that you figured out to allow readers to do in-line reviewing!   I've never seen Edit Points (EPs) before. Something you've probably realized is that reviewing is highly encouraged on WdC. Sharing our work and writing reviews is something that we're also rewarded for, and I'm not sure how EPs work with an official review. We'll need to check into it, because I've done what was called in-line reviewing before, and it was such an efficient way to write reviews. Fantastic find! But: on with the review of your story. Since the paragraphs are numbered by the EPs, I'll refer to those for any specific comments. I love the narrative voice you use with this story; I can hear the dry, gritty sound of the narrator talking over the video as the camera sweeps over this man and his group. I didn't remember until I reached the end that it was written specifically without dialogue. When I began reading this story, I thought it was being written as a list, but that impression disappeared quickly as I was drawn into the world you'd created and a protagonist who knows his limits and is all about justice. I imagine that protagonist and give him the name "every-man" and the story cuts deep to the heart of what's killing the world today. Maybe I'm just working on an extreme sleep deficit, but what you've managed to do here is boggling my mind.   Suggestions: A few thoughts about possible changes and inconsistencies. The last sentence of the first paragraph doesn't match up with what's been established in the previous sentences: "It hurt his heart every time..." and "...worse when they were children." My suggestion: Adjust the last line to negate it. Perhaps: "He’d [never] grown used to ignoring their cries for help." In the second paragraph, the use of "one" in the second sentence feels out-of-sync with the rest of the vocabulary. A pristine word among the dusty hovels. My suggestion: Delete "one looked":The Demons were everywhere one looked, always looming... Also in the second paragraph, this logic confused me: "They tended to move during the day, making it safer to sleep at night and move only when they did." I first thought it would be the opposite, because they'd see you if you moved at the same times. After I thought about it, I could see how it could make sense: if they're hunting during the day and you don't have a safe place to sleep, sleep when they do, move when they do. I'm not sure if this is something you want to think about trying to clarify or leave it as is. I'm one reader among many, so you might wait for more reviews and trust in your writing. The forth paragraph is important and intriguing, yet it's the only one lacking the mention of "twenty-three." I don't know if it's worth trying to work the number into the text; I imagine you've done so and left it as it is. The first sentence, though, makes the missing number more noticeable, and I don't think "The cities were worse off" is necessary to the text–not with the description that follows. My suggestion: Delete the first sentence and play with the text of the rest of the paragraph, maybe combining a few of the ideas and adding the word "cities" somewhere. Something like, "An abundance of supplies remained unspoiled in the cities after years exposed to the wild. But the streets were packed with Demons..." Take-Away: In 575 words, you've created a credible post-apocalyptic world that captured my imagination. I'm blown away by how my perception changed and reality set in with the subtle flow of details and imagery that showed ever more clearly what, and who, the Demons are. Really a fantastic piece of work. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your craft. I hope you find something among my comments and suggestions helpful to you. I wish you all the best in your writing journey, and as ever, Write On!   
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/05/2023 @ 9:23pm EDT