\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4675306
Review #4675306
Viewing a review of:
 The Battlefield Open in new Window. [13+]
Girl looses brother in a grueling battle.
by Juniper Author Icon
Review of The Battlefield  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Animated Signature for Premium Members
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.
Review courtesy: "The Official Mod Review Blitz!" Open in new Window.


Hallo!
This one showed up on 'read and review'.
The title works for the piece. I'm wondering if the brief description gives away too much, we already know before we read it what has happened. Also, there is a small typo - 'loses' has a single 'o' in this context.

About the genres - I'm wondering if you'd like to pick two more, like 'Tragedy' and 'Family'.

About the layout of the piece - maybe you'd like to consider changing the font, and increasing the size and line-spacing to make it easier on the eye.

About the story itself:
You have a good idea there, one that has the potential to be a moving story. Some of the emotions have already come through in this short draft.

The thing is, this is a lot like 'telling'. Maybe if you considered more 'showing' and less telling - like trying to give us her thoughts, or her actions, to indicate her feelings instead of just stating them, it might be more powerful.

Also, is this a finished piece or a work in progress? It feels too short to be a finished piece. You need to flesh it out with descriptions, dialogues, back story and so on. Also, look at changing some of the words and phrases that have been repeated often.

As I said, this has the potential to be an emotional story if you work on 'showing' and fleshing it out.
Write On!
- Sonali

"*Duck*My Angel Army Oct 2022 Reviews"  Open in new Window.
"COMPLETED Graveyard Mudpie"  Open in new Window. - Registered Author Review

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/28/2022 @ 7:55pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4675306