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 Review #4669005 |
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| (3.5)| Greetings, Ron! Welcome to this international community of inspirational writers. I saw your post on the "Weekly Goals" forum and wanted to offer a few observations in the interest of friendly hospitality and constructive support. Of course, they are nothing more than one man's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.TITLE: Like the names of your children, a title gives your brainchild a specific identity. It is also a critical element of your composition, because it is the portal through which a prospective reader must pass to enter the realm of your imagination. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come. The special relationship referenced here evokes a sense of empathy from those familiar with such circumstances. FORM & STRUCTURE: The consistent pattern of quatrains and similar line structures in the first two stanzas project a sense of orderly contemplation, helps to control the pace, and sharpens the focus on each impression, so the reader can absorb each one more completely before moving along to the next. The extended lines in the last two stanzas appear to ramble out of control. With a little effort, I believe you could tighten that up a bit. IMAGERY: Your poem provides a lens through which readers can perceive the particular world you are presenting. Imagery is the lifeblood of a poem. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the poet uses words to shape and paint pictures which present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those feelings, the poet SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the poet stirs an emotional response from the reader. While your narrator expresses sincere emotions with regard to this situation, I believe you could strengthen your audience's connection with this experience by replacing some of the vague abstractions, such as "You let me know you care" and "you never went too far," with more specific actions, as Elvie Shane does in his song My Boy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35BKdh4CoQ8 . POETIC TECHNIQUE: Just as the conductor of a symphony orchestra controls the tempo and power of the music with a delicate nuance, a poet guides the pace and force of the poem by manipulating sounds through word selection and arrangement. If done well, rhyming can be pleasing to the ear and fun to create, testing the wit and ingenuity of the poet. It can also serve as an audible echo or resonance for emphasis. Additionally, rhyming can be an organizing device to create zones of similarity for your poems and linkage to connect different thoughts. The rhyming in this poem is well executed without distortion of the language, while providing a pleasant echo effect to reinforce your narrator's expressions of affection. OVERALL IMPRESSION: With all due respect to Dr. Albert Einstein, I have formulated my own theory of relativity: No matter how accomplished someone is, there is always room for improvement; no matter how new someone is to a particular process, there are always others out there who could use your help with a little fresh perspective. We all started from the same point. A prima ballerina began her journey by taking a few faltering baby steps, falling down, getting up, and trying again. Even at the pinnacle of her career, she still practices tirelessly to continue honing her craft. You have achieved the most important step in this process by capturing your thoughts on paper before they can fly away like fireflies in the night. In that effort, you have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep polishing this nugget to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be. Write on! If you are interested in learning more about the craft of composing poetry, or merely chatting with a few like-minded wordsmiths, we would be delighted to have you join our discussions in "The Poet's Place " group. Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com. Let the creativity flow from your soul!  Dave "The Poet's Place " * All items are rated in accordance with the guidelines provided in "Comment-In-A-Box"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/30/2022 @ 2:24pm EDT