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Review #4663028
Viewing a review of:
 Wultian One to Fifteen Open in new Window. [18+]
Overpopulation is a big problem for a whole lot of planets. This is one solution to it.
by PureSciFi Author Icon
Review by Starling Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Notes:
—If a sentence is broken by a qualifier such as -he said-, -she stated-, and is followed by prepositions such as -but-, -if- or -and- (just to mention a couple), then you use a comma to complete the sentence and make it whole.
—I am getting the feeling from writing you have given two variations of the same story. It is a bit confusing.
—I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggested changes and comments

***“What do you need to start this attempt to save us from starvation, thirst, and eventual death?” (lower case on -a) Asks the female side of Barrina-Yanus. (comma not a period, lower case on -the) The Wultians with the light blue skin from the Space Exploration Region.
***“We have checked out several other possible ways,” says Kinna-Madim. (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we believe this is our best chance to do it.”
***The Leaders start talking to each other again. But Madim-Kinna isn’t finished talking to them. “We understand your concerns,” says Madim-Kinna (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we will answer any that you have.”
***“It’s true, we haven’t been to any of these planets yet,” says Barrina-Yanus. (comma not a period, lower case on -but) “But we have sent Data Gathers to them. Including the six planets, we can’t live on right now. And we haven’t seen any signs they are inhabited.”
*** “We have been checking out the Data Gathering you have done on these planets too,” says Grayov-Statonia. (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we have gone beyond this gathering. What we have found is that none of these planets don’t have any population on them. Five used to be inhabited. But they don’t have any anymore. And they haven’t in a very long time.”
***“As for your concern,” says Statonia-Grayov. (comma not a period, lower case on -if) “If there is any life on these planets it will be destroyed after we re-create Wultian.”
***“WAIT,” shouts Kinna-Madim. “WE ARE SURE THERE IS NO LIFE ON THESE PLANETS.” (Using all caps is frowned on in the writing community. You have used the word -shout- which would signify the importance.)

Madim-Kinna and Grayov-Statonia look at each other. But it’s Madim-Kinna who shouts to the leaving Leaders. “IF WE DON’T DO THIS, THEN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? AFTER ALL, THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT FIVE MORE BEFORE ALL OF US ARE DEAD.”
*** ##: If I have it figured right, this is where the new version of the story begins.
***“We haven’t approved any of them yet,” says Demmi-Roddim. “But there are quite a few we may approve very soon. Just haven’t decided which one we are going to approve yet. (This has already been stated in the previous sentence)
***“You must approval our solution,” says Kinna-Madim. (comma not a period, lower case on -so) “So, that we can continue being Wultians.
***“What is more important to us,” answers asks Kinna-Madim? (comma not a question mark, lower case on -finding-) “Finding all that we can about these planets or solving our overpopulation problem.”
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Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland] Open in new Window. (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by In the manGer(vic), He sleeps Author IconMail Icon

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