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 Review #4641151 |
 | Maroon Cherry Sunglasses  [13+] After the fight a few days ago, Cliff is confused on Nick's handling of their situation.  |
| (3.0)| Greetings, Rosemary! Welcome to this international community of writing inspiration. You are off to a great start by populating your port on the first day among us and finding your way around to meet other folks through the reviewing process. The following observations are offered in grateful response to your Review of "Trust"  , but they are nothing more than one person's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.TITLE: Unless your name is Emily Dickinson, or that of some other famous poet, whose reputation is enough to attract a fawning audience, the title is one of the most important elements of any composition, because it is the portal through which a prospective reader must pass to enter the realm of your imagination. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author. The title you have applied to this composition represents the ultimate stretch of the "rose colored glassed" metaphor for unrealistic optimism and invites that browser to observe the intricacies of a burgeoning relationship. OPENING HOOK: Once you have lured prospective readers into your lair, your opening lines present another challenge: either hooking them or losing them. Opening with a question in a piece of dialogue is an effective way to engage your audience in the conversation. However, the overriding use of passive language ("was"/"were") in the second paragraph and beyond opens the door for your readers to drift away. As noted in the following link, active voice is much more likely to strengthen your narrator's connection with your readers: https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/style-and-usage/active-voice-adds-impact-to-y... . For example, instead of "He was wearing..." in the second paragraph, try "He wore..." The passive voice could also be turned more active in the last sentence of the second paragraph by reversing the focus with "Egg yolk spilling spotted his black legging shorts." Of course, there may be some cases where the passive language is necessary, but every time I see "is," "was," or "were," I ask myself, "Is there any way possible to strengthen that remark?" SETTING: Imagery is the lifeblood of a story. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the creative writer uses words to shape and paint pictures which present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those impressions, the storyteller SHOWS the characteristics through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the author creates an emotional connection with the audience. Except for "egg whites in a plastic bowl" and "a higher shelf," your readers have very few details with which to form an image in their minds' eyes. CHARACTERS Again, except for the aprons they are wearing, we have no details to distinguish one character from the other. We do not need lengthy descriptions which could slow the narrative unnecessarily, but a "curly blond hair" and "rippled muscles" sprinkled here and there could go a long way toward connecting your audience with your characters. Also, there is no apparent distinction between their voices in the dialogue: https://www.nownovel.com/blog/talking-character-voice/ . PLOT: The situation described in the third paragraph where "The two men had lived together for about a week ever since Cliff first showed up at Nick's door" clearly presents an opportunity for tension, which finally erupts when Cliff asks Nick, "But what I'm trying to figure out is why." As valid as that question is, we have no idea whatsoever how Cliff chose Nick's door to knock on. OVERALL IMPRESSION: With all due respect to Dr. Albert Einstein, I have formulated my own theory of relativity: No matter how accomplished someone is, there is always room for improvement; no matter how new someone is to a particular process, there are always others out there who could use your help with a little fresh perspective. We all started from the same point. A prima ballerina began her journey by taking a few faltering baby steps, falling down, getting up, and trying again. Even at the pinnacle of her career, she still practices tirelessly to continue honing her craft. You have achieved the most important step in this process by capturing your thoughts on paper before they can fly away like fireflies in the night. In that effort, you have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep polishing this nugget to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be. Write on! Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com. Let the creativity flow from your soul!  Dave "The Poet's Place " * All items are rated in accordance with the guidelines provided in "Comment-In-A-Box"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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