%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4618780 |
 |  | The Homecoming, Ch.1  [13+] An unwanted, unexpected visitor shows up to help - Chapter 1 contest entry  |
| (4.5)| A   ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression Loved the relaxed tone of your story, set by the narrator. Something about him vaguely reminds me of Harry Dresden, the main character (and wizard) in Jim Butcher's series, Dresden Files. Not a bad thing at all! I enjoyed reading this and though I picked up on a few typos which I listed below, I was very impressed by your chapter. I hope you consider continuing on with this. It piqued my interest enough to want more!  Thoughts/Suggestions Paragraph 6 - 8f course I hoped not  Of course I hoped notParagraph 15 - keep on anyway." I say keep on anyway[,]" I say Paragraph 44 - His eyes had always been a few shades browner than they were now. You'd previously mentioned his eyes were a dull blue.  Paragraph 46 - a bit Llke flyfishing a bit like fly fishing One other suggestion I'd like you to consider: I realize when the main character is the narrator, sometimes a name isn't introduced right away. It might be nice to slip it in, for instance..."What about the dead, Professor ________?" someone blurted. [insert name in colored area] or earlier in the story when he (the narrator) is talking about his friend, Chad... One of the last things he said to me, "Who even calls people these days, _________?" Anyway, it's just a thought you might want to consider. I think I like the first example better, but you could actually use both: one for the first name and one for the last name. BTW, I wasn't sure if the narrator was a professor or not, I just took the liberty of assuming, since he was teaching a class. Favorites I've managed to pluck a few of my favorites, listing them below. The last of these, however, is my utmost favorite! You've done a great job incorporating the senses, too, along with vivid imagery.  The air is a damp veil that tingles my skin on this cool morning. The mixture stings my tongue and its miasma sears from sinus to nostril. More sounds of creaking wood. I lick my lips. The urge to turn is nearly unbearable, but I resist it even as I'm met with the sound of straining rope, the sound of rope rasping against hand and shoe, and then the sound of leaves flattened by someone landing behind me.Final thoughts Your talent is definitely apparent and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Great work! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 07/10/2021 @ 7:09pm EDT