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 Review #4613617 |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, SaMa  , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and one of my great joys is welcoming and encouraging new members here at WdC. I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  This single scene requires no scene dividers, and is constructed correctly. I especially like your use of italics to denote the lady's thoughts. Though this is all correct and receives full rating credit, there are a couple of ways to improve it that I'll offer for you to consider.First, the font. You've used the default font provided, and there's certainly no penalty for that, but it is, as you may agree, dense and intimidating, and can be a strain on tired old eyes. There are many ways to tweak your fonts — this review is in 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 line space setting, for example — but you can make an immediate and dramatic difference in your text by adding {size:3.5} at the beginning of your story. The other thing is the paragraphs. You have double-spaced to indicate paragraphs, and this is a well-accepted method here on WdC. My opinion is that indentations look more professional. I mean, have you ever seen a book without them? You achieve that by placing {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. Sounds like a slog, I know, but there is a shortcut key at the top of the creation box that places it wherever the cursor happens to be. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. I don't, as a rule, read romance or erotica; nothing wrong with it, it's just my preference. So, why did I read this? The hook. Those all-important first three or four sentences piqued my curiosity about this guy. Why is this vagabond in this place he doesn't belong, and what does the lady telling the story see in him? What followed kept up the interest, and to keep me in a romantic story, that is quality writing.As a matter of personal opinion, I don't think this is erotica. Romance, certainly, but without getting too specific, none of the body parts that are commonly covered in public made an appearance, and the fact that they stroke each other's hands or that he cops a tiny feel in the restroom hallway don't seem to move it into that category. My suggestion is that you could easily remove the erotica tag and lower the rating to 18+, and maybe gain some more readers. Go to the Browse By Genre tab, click on Erotica, and read some of the blow-by-blow, thrust-by-thrust borderline porn you can find there. I think you'll see what I mean. As to the rest, I've never had the experience of being picked up by a posh bird, but their conversation feels realistic. He is perhaps more of a gentleman than your average day-laborer, but that's possible. They're a good fit, in any case, as they must be to power a good story, so the bottom line is that this is excellent work all the way around. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  As you can see, this box isn't checked. It is incredibly difficult to tease out all of these items, and in all of my reviews, this is the area where the most issues are catalogued. I should hasten to add that there are often a dozen or more issues listed here, and you've done very well, probably an A- if this was a class, but there are issues nonetheless, and this is where we discuss them.First, the paragraphs. As I stated, there is no penalty for using the double-space method, but that has caused you a couple of follow-on problems. Here: As he studied the tiny drink, she studied him. Taking in the harsh angles of his jaw and the deep dimples of his cheeks covered in a delicious honey colored beard. She had watched him earlier from her garden. She had picked tomatoes and he had picked leaves from her gutter. The heat of the sun had caused rivulets of sweat to fall down his arms and face. Eventually, he had removed his shirt... His blue eyes snapped up towards hers again and she felt any resolve that she might have had disintegrate into thin air. Here: "You don't seem like the type." He said, gesturing at it all. "I would say it's more of a Craig thing" she murmured. And here: My companion smiled, "Ah yes, my hero. For had he not hired me to clean the gutters, I might not be sitting here across from his beautiful wife." She blushed, smiled, looked away. His gaze was tearing her down and she wasn't quite ready yet, as well as a couple of other places, I'm sure you can see where two paragraphs are run together into one. If you were indenting your paragraphs, those would have stood out like flares on a dark night. Also, in that last paragraph, you say My companion smiled, even though the story is written completely in third-person. This is a tiny thing on the face of it, but it yanked me bodily out of the story as I went back to read the previous three paragraphs to see what I'd missed, where this heretofore unobserved third participant come from. It is good that as the writer you are deeply enmeshed in the female character, feeling and expressing her thoughts and emotions, but a slip like that, as you can see, reminds your reader that he's reading, not living your story. Be careful; immersion is everything. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Beauty and the Beast? The princess and the stable boy? Sybil Crawley and Tom Branson? The mismatched lovers are a staple of literature, so there's nothing original in the concept. The proof of quality is what you did with it, and I feel I should point out again that you got me to read a romantic story, and that's no small feat right there. I liked both of these characters, they felt right for their roles, and I tip my begoggled patrol cap in your direction. These are excellent characters, and form the beating heart of a very good story.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Setting it in a restaurant was an easy choice. We all know what a restaurant looks like, even if it's just a Jimmy's franchise place. This allows you to concentrate on the story while your readers' imagination builds the backdrop. There isn't much to say about this, and the reason for that is that you wisely left out a thousand or so words of unnecessary description. Good choice.SUMMARY:   I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
I operate the steampunk group "Invalid Item" , which you're welcome to visit. If that's a bit narrowly focused for you, be sure to visit Richard ~ Thankful!!  's fine general interest group, "Dreamweaver Bar & Grill" . And while you're looking at new items, my famous blog, "Invalid Item" can be a fun read; as you can see, I'm a legend in my own mind!Looking forward to seeing you around the site,  Jack blimprider Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/29/2021 @ 10:08pm EDT