%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4611953 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| Title: Review: An Early Summer Morning by Shaye The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center} Title and Author: An Early Summer Morning by Shaye In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: c:black}Your Words: Review comments My Impressions as I read: Editing Suggestions: Plot:: Jack is trying to get Ellie to wake up and enjoy the perfect weather outside. Ellie just wants to stay in bed, but gets up and goes downstairs. Jack makes her iced coffee (she would prefer hot) and makes her a bacon sandwich. He suggests several places to go but Ellie has a reason to not use any of them. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Jack is excited and is on the move. Why is he so excited and what will he do next is the questions presented to the readers. Characters Development: We learn about the characters through their actions. There is only a slight discription of Ellie. Dialogue: We have no problem knowing Jack is excited and raring to go. It is also easy to deduce Ellie is less than enthusiastic about his excitement. Punctuation and Structure: I only found some minor corrections which need to be made. I have shown them below in the line by line review Closing Statement This slice of life was cute. You built excitment through movement and words. You were able to place the readers in the world of Jack and Ellie through the names you used of where they might be able to go. Thank you for posting. Starling -------------------------------- “Let’s go to the park, have a picnic?” Jack suggested. “Or the beach!” Excited at the prospect, he pulled the curtains wide open, allowing sunlight to stream into their bedroom. Ellie curled up into a ball, pulling the quilt over her head. “Jack, it’s 8am, (the computer is telling me there is a space between the number in the time and the “am”, but I have seen it several ways) go away.” “Look at it out there! There are butterflies everywhere, kids running around with water guns. Won’t be long before an ice cream van turns up.” He sat next to her on the bed and tried to prise pry the quilt away. “Why did I marry a morning person?” Ellie moaned. Finally giving up the fight for the quilt, she sat up and glared at him. He laughed and planted a kiss on her. (“planted a kiss on her…” what?) Dashing away, he avoided the swipe of Ellie’s hand as she tried to hit his arm. Ellie joined Jack, looking out the window of their two-story home on the outskirts of London. Jack was right, it was beautiful outside. There was a slight breeze in the air, and the trees danced around. “Come on, Ellie. How often do we get weather like this in England?” Jack had this strange ability to melt her heart; some form of puppy-dog eyes that meant he always got what he wanted in the end. “Fine, but I need coffee, (no comma) and a bacon sandwich.” Jack beamed, “That can be arranged.” As Jack bounded downstairs and started breakfast, Ellie sat back down on the bed. “How does he have so much energy in the morning?” she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. Ellie had stayed up until 1am, reading some romance or another. Jack snored next to her, completely oblivious to the light, or her movements. She was almost jealous of his ability to sleep like that. She couldn’t face getting dressed yet, so she trudged downstairs. The smell of coffee filled the air, perking her up a bit. Jack turned around, and to her horror, held an iced coffee in his hand. “In light of summer finally arriving in London, I thought we’d try a frappé today, instead of boiling hot black coffee.” “It’s like you’re asking me to kill you.” Ellie begrudgingly took the drink. Any coffee was better than no coffee. “Please tell me you haven’t done anything weird to the bacon. “ A bacon sandwich, smothered in tomato ketchup landed in front of her. “Nope, I daren’t mess with the bacon. So, where do you want to go? Hyde Park would be fun, (I would put a period here so you don’t have a run-on sentence) the smell of fresh cut (hyphenated) grass, the other people milling around in the sun, and the ...” “The little brats running around,” Ellie supplied. “Ok then, so a no for Hyde Park. We could go to Camber Sands beach.” “See my previously mentioned reason, and that means sitting on a train for over an hour.” Ellie finished her bacon sandwich, (no comma) and began tidying up the mess that Jack had left behind. Jack fell silent, frowning. “How about,” Ellie said, “we stay here? We’ve got a freezer fully stocked with ice lollies and a private garden with a pool. Why would we ever need to go out?” Jack considered that for a moment, before nodding his agreement. “I suppose you’re right.” “And, since we’re staying here, I can go back to bed,” Ellie exclaimed, before trying to get past Jack to go upstairs. Grabbing her around the waist, he held on tight. “Oh no (need comma) you don’t. It’s above 25 degrees outside, you can’t stay in bed all day.” “You want to bet?”  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.