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 Review #4611917 |
| Title: Review: The Love Potion by Bob’n Around The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center} Title and Author: The Love Potion by Bob’n Around In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: c:black}Your Words: Review comments My Impressions as I read: Editing Suggestions: Plot:: Mort, a heartbroken man, meets Tess a witch who is trying to brew a love potion. She eventually tries to use it to cure the strife in the world. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The opening paragraph draws the reader in wondering what is going to happen to the poor drunk. Well done. Characters Development: The character development is built by the actions and reactions of the characters. It is added to by the environment they live in. Dialogue: Dialogue is clear and written smoothly. You can tell who is talking by the words used. This is a technique that is hard to master. You have it under control. Punctuation and Structure: I found very few problems with the punctuation. I have also marked where I think some type of designation should be put to separate scenes. Hyphen Use when: 1 Use a hyphen to join two or more words serving as a single adjective before a noun: ... 2 Use a hyphen with compound numbers: ... 3 Use a hyphen to avoid confusion or an awkward combination of letters: Closing Statement This was interesting reading. I liked the way you started it off as a regular “witch tries to control man” story and morphed it into a “maybe you, the reader, can save the world.” It was a good twist. Thank you for posting Starling ---------------------------- “Fill ‘er up, again.” Mort England made vague swirly motions with his hand. The night was successfully progressing into the bar hopping search for oblivion his young life hunted for. A thin blue tapered glass of unusual design appeared at his elbow like magic. “The owner sent this over, sir. She paid for it. She would like to join you.” The barmaid pointed her chin towards a dark corner where shadows played, releasing the rise of a bewitchingly formed female of indeterminate age. There was an unnoticed exchange of glances between the owner and employee who dared a parting comment. “It is the bewitching hour, sir. Last call for drinks. We’re about to close. Shall I call you a cab? You were two sheets to the wind when you found us an hour ago.” Mort struggled to rise, lost his balance, and forced his swimming vision to stop and pause on the figure replacing the barmaid. “Just one more for the road,” he said. “It is my own special brew. A specialty of the house. It is called ‘Love Potion’. ” The woman slid down beside Mort and lifted the fragile vase shaped (hyphenated) glass to Mort’s lips. “It will make you forget finding your fiance in your best friend’s arms.” Mort swallowed, licking his lips. Encouraged by her hand, he swallowed again.“Think you, verah much. Too kind.” (almost corrected the spelling here.) He had been sobbing his tale to any stranger’s ear within listening distance while traveling countless bars. How he’d ended up here, or where he was, floated distantly in the back of his mind. “You’re beautiful, you know that? A beautiful person unworthy of my broken heart.” This was exactly how he’d met his ex-fiance. She’d picked him up in a social watering hole. The moment had all the elements of Deja Vu. Mort leaned forward to offer a slobbery kiss on the owner’s pretty cheek and continued to fall for her. Literally. He never felt his head smacking the top of the table. (I would put some kind of marking to designate a scene switch to make it less confusing for the reader.) “You’re awake. You can call me Tess.” Drapes were flung open. Bright sunlight flooded the room. “How do you feel?” “Where am I?” Mort asked, hands trying to rub away the hammers pounding in his head. He refused to open his eyes. “What kind of fool did I make of myself last night? I don’t remember a thing.” “You are in my bed. Don’t worry, nothing happened. I didn’t bother even to try. Here’s a hair of the dog. Drink.” “Thanks.” Mort found a fluted glass pressed into his hand. Anything with alcohol in it was, at the moment, his best friend. “Cheers. Thanks for putting me up for the night. I can pay you for it.” The liquid caressed his throat like silk, exploded like a bomb in his gut (need comma) and spread a feeling of warm appreciation in him from head to toe. He opened his eyes. “I think I am in love with you. Why are you dressed like a witch?” The woman called Tess twisted a smile on her lively face. She tossed black curls from her twinkling dark eyes. “It’s the drink. It is called Love Potion. Didn’t work last night. You came into my establishment already too drunk. I let you sleep it off. You’ve slept the day away. It is Halloween Night.” Mort realized he had nothing under the sheet on but a growing tumescence. Tess noticed it, too, licked her lips. Her smile turned into a wide grin. “Love Potion is an aphrodisiac. I like to play with the contents.(need space)This is my latest experiment. I am glad to see it worked.” “I had my worries when you conked out on me. One wrong tincture sized (hyphenated) ingredient and I might have killed you.” The purr in her voice had become a tiger’s growl. The black draping gown she wore shrugged from her shoulders. Tess revealed the fact that she was all a woman could ever hope to be in the eyes of a love crazed (hyphenated) man. The coupling was violent, fast (need comma) and complete. It drained every ounce of energy from the man she rode under her. “So soon? A pretty frown wrinkled her face. Tess peered down at the exhausted plaything beneath her. “I’ll keep you around until we get the formula right. A few more frog toes and lizard tongues might do the trick. You love me, don’t you? You will stay?” Mort couldn’t move a muscle. Everything in him felt limp. Somehow, he managed to wiggle his tongue and croak out a whispered “Yes.” He had never experienced anything like her. Where, last night he had drunk to forget, now, he felt drunk on the feverish wash of unabated desire and feeling of rapture directed from his glance to that of Tess. “Ooh, poor man. The heart is ready. The body is weak. We’ll have to wait for the rest of you to catch up. Shall I cast a further spell on you? I fear I must.” The soul kiss Tess shared with Mort seared him to the core. He came up gasping for breath, listening to her chanting voice beseeching him to rest. A moment later he felt himself slip deep into dreamless slumber. (I would put some kind of marking to designate a scene switch to make it less confusing for the reader.) “I’m back. Wake up. The witch’s coven this Halloween was a boring affair. I couldn’t wait to return and try my next Love Potion version on you. Are you thirsty?” Tess prodded Mort, teasing her touch into a smooth light caress. Mort’s response was less than what she had hoped for. The Love Potion was wearing off. Mort swam up from a deep unconscious abyss. “It’s you.” He sat up, backing away on the bed, his feet entangled in the sheets refusing to let him go. “Sorry. It was great, but I’ve got to go. I couldn’t take another wrestling match like that again. I’d lose my mind.” “Bottom’s up.” Tess moved with him, pinched his nose, tilted his head up with a palm (need comma) and poured an amber colored (hyphenated) liquid down his throat. “Better?” Light brown smoke curled up and out through Mort’s nostrils and mouth. He snorted, breathing it back in. “I feel like a new man,” he admitted. Time between Mort and Tess became bound in a series of exploring love knots. The couple created a rising passion going far beyond those positions found in the ancient Kama Sutra, India’s fabled text on love making (one word) yoga exercises. The Swan begat the Monkey leading to the Elephant and beyond into a dance no earthly creature had ever experienced. Each knot's tie and release unfolded more love. Tess’s cry of exultant release tumbled her down into Mort’s sigh of complete abandon. The two lay mingled, touching inside and out, hearts beating as one. “Did you?” Tess asked, fingers caressing Mort’s cheek. She glowed with true love's promise. “Feel it? Yes.” Mort kissed her fingertips. “I feel it still. Passion unlocked pure loved love for us. We are one as two could ever be. And you. I see it in your eyes. You are bound to me as I am to you.” The truth was self-evident. Tess’s latest Love Potion mixture had transformed itself in the making. “I love you." In the coming days (need comma) their complete lives enfolded naturally into a union unmatched. Their loved spilled out to everyone they touched only to be rebuffed. "We can change the world with this recipe if we can distill it into its unique essence. Pure love. No more war. People joining together in love, harmony (need comma) and happy union. The planet’s worst crises can be faced with our united cause.” Drunken victims were plentiful during late night (hyphenated) visits to Tess’s bar. Try as she might, it was impossible to redo what had been done. Mort grew uneasy at the results of strange concoctions barely controlled by Tess’s quickly voiced spells. “We’ve got to stop, Tess. You are brewing more trouble than love.” It was true. Fewer customers found their way to Tess’s bar. Employee’s (no single-quote mark) quit, not returning for pay. The word was out. The gossip fomented possible danger to the lives of the loving couple. During a full moon on the next All Hallow’s Eve, perhaps the last hope of mankind could be seen flying away on a Witch’s broom into the distant horizon. One little hope grew, in the round tummy of Tess, placed there by her loving mate, Mort. Tess was in a family way. It was all the more reason to work on the perfect Love Potion in secret, away from the strife of a dying world. “Love will find a way,” Mort said. Concoctions found their way to many a cash strapped (hyphenated) bar during the forced shutdown’s caused by the Covid pandemic. It was an opportunity for Tess not to be missed. If you find yourself awakening from a fit of unworldly passion and in love with the stranger in an unknown bed? Or find yourself yielding to a love blessed feeling wanting to make everything right in a wrong torn world? Be sure to read the elixir bottled Love Potion label and contact Tess or Mort. You may have the answer the world is waiting for. Of such simple things, in the darkest of times, perhaps a new magical unknown healing future might be met.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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You responded to this review 05/24/2021 @ 5:11pm EDT