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 Review #4604690 |
 | Our Spring Walk  [E] A glimpse into the day with my little one.  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Journey to find my voice , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. I use a review template that's going to be longer than your story, but I'm including it so that you can see what I'm looking at, and if it helps you refine your voice, well, so much the better! Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Your presentation is correct, and worthy of five stars, but I'm going to offer a couple of suggestions to make it more attractive. First, the double-spacing of paragraphs has long been an accepted method here on WdC. I prefer them indented myself, as they look more professional. You accomplish this by placing {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. Sounds cumbersome, but there's a shortcut key at the top of the creation box that does this for you.Second, the default print is small and hard on aging eyes. There are many ways to adjust the font here on the site this review is in 3.5 Verdana, for example — but you can do wonders for the appearance by simply adding {size:3.5} to the beginning of your text. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. This is one of those delightful little slice-of-life vignettes that takes us back to our childhood, or maybe a time when our own children were fresh and new, and experiencing a world that was fresh and new to them. These have a timeless charm and universal appeal that seems to reach everyone, and this one is beautifully told. We have no monsters, no villains, no drama, just a sweet little pony ride for a 6-year old and her mom. A nice break from the blood-and-thunder I usually read and write!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  There was some awkward phrasing here, and an extra word that may have been missed in the proofreading process, so let me knock those out, and we can get back to the good parts.The awkward phrasing arises in It was a cool, sunny but breezy day. A day where the clouds were fluffy and pillow-like, and would just drift lazy across the sky. It was a perfect spring day, and we were taking the time to enjoy together as it was seldom for it just to be Lindsey and I together alone anymore, especially now that Lucas had been born. To polish the prose here, I would pare down some of the excess descriptors and simplify the concepts. My own take would be: It was a breezy, sunlit day, pillow-like clouds drifting lazily across the sky. It was perfect, and we were taking the time to enjoy it together as it would seldom be just Lindsey and I alone anymore now that Lucas had been born. Minimizing all this makes it easier for your reader to stay with you during that necessary exposition, and readers like easy. They want to experience your story, not be constantly reminded that they're reading it. This punctuation: Aren't they pretty?!? marks you as an amateur, or someone who is just learning the Craft. I always hate to say never, but you won't find those multiple punctuation marks in any professionally published book that you own. A single question mark is sufficient here; trust your reader to catch the child's excitement. What I took as an extra word is, on reflection, just the wrong word. It's here: We continued to chatter about that many facets of God's beauty... I suspect this should be the many facets. Either way, you can never do too much proofreading! I should point out here that this isn't much, mechanically. This is review #533 for me, and many if not most have far more issues than this to talk about. Quite a creditable job, really. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Mom and young daughter, with the rest of the world at a distance. Nothing to grouse about here. No drama, no dragons to slay, just the joy of being. Everyone needs a bit of this from time to time, and this well-written interlude fills the bill nicely.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? A quiet walk in the woods is the perfect backdrop for these soulmates. It could have been placed in any nature setting, but the woods give them the feel of being in their own bubble, and make it more intimate than it might otherwise have been. Good choice!SUMMARY: I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/02/2021 @ 3:20pm EDT