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 Review #4603082 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, daisyhunter50, and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Your paragraphs are divided nicely, everything is correctly employed, and certainly deserves the full five stars. I am, however, going to offer a couple of suggestions on how to make your physical document more attractive.First, you may have noticed that the default text is a bit cramped. I'm told it is Arial, but I only half-jokingly call it Times New Eyestrain, as I sometimes have to stack two pairs of reading glasses to make it hold still. There are many ways to adjust your text; this review, for example, is in size 3.5 verdana with a 1.4 linespace setting. You'll learn all these as you become more proficient with the site's quirks and methods, but the easiest way you can spark up your text is to add {size:3.5} at the beginning. You'll be amazed what it does for it. The other thing is that you've used double-linespaces to denote paragraphs. This is widely accepted as correct here on the site, but my personal preference is for indentations; they just look more professional to me. The way you get them into your text here is to place {indent} at the start of every paragraph. Sounds like a chore, I know, but all those little boxes across the top of the creation box are shortcut keys, and one of them places {indent} wherever the cursor is on the page. Again, I hasten to restate that there is nothing wrong with double-linespacing, but if you'd like a bit of a sharper look, it's easily available. STORY: But those are things that can be adjusted with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. This is a splendid example of a little "slice of life" story that begins in one place, and through a series of convoluted encounters, returns to its beginning in almost comedic form. Sort of reminds me of those essays from the 80s by Irma Bombeck. There's nothing profound here, it changes neither the world nor the reader's outlook on it; it's just pure enjoyment, and there's nothing wrong with that!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  I found no typos, no tense issues, no misuse of homonyms, but there is one thing I'm going to downcheck, and I need you to clarify for me: I recognize the Queen's English by the -our endings (neighbour, etc.). I read and write in American English, and if what I'm going to call out is the proper way to do it where you are, please advise me, and I'll adjust my rating upward. My issue is that, in American English, every new speaker's line of dialogue begins a new paragraph. I see this throughout, but a single example should suffice. In the story, you write:“I’ve got to go help Fred put new steps on his deck.” “Mary Ryan just went by and completely ignored me.” “She probably didn’t see you. I shouldn’t be too long. With any luck Fred’s nearly finished by now.” Properly paragraphed by American standards, that would read: “I’ve got to go help Fred put new steps on his deck.” “Mary Ryan just went by and completely ignored me.” “She probably didn’t see you. I shouldn’t be too long. With any luck Fred’s nearly finished by now.” The half-star deduction is for this. Like I said, if it is correct where you live, let me know, and I'll change my rating. Overall, though, this is incredibly precise work. This is my 528th review, and I rarely see a manuscript this clean. Well done! CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? A number of characters wend their way through this narrative, but Mary is clearly the protagonist. She is a splendid foil in this delightful fable about a leopard trying to change its spots. You read of her actions, and those of her friend Collette, and you shake your head and think, "what a couple of noodles!" It's only later that the realization sets in that you are quite a bit like them; deliberately changing your personality, even briefly, is a challenge that most of us aren't up to, and your characters have captured that nicely.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? The majority of the action takes place around a suburban neighborhood. We all have an idea of what a neighborhood looks like, if from nothing other than watching Leave it to Beaver episodes, and you wisely didn't bore us with pages of descriptions that would have bogged down the story in unnecessary verbiage. Good instincts, good technique, and I have nothing negative to say. Great work all around.SUMMARY: , with the potential to go to five. This is a simple, low-stress comfort read, and I'm glad you chose to share it with the site. You have a delightful voice for this kind of work, and I wish you the greatest of success wherever your writing takes you.** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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