Hi, I saw your post about "Invalid Item"  on the Newsfeed requesting some input on your story, I hope you don't mind if I offer some.

Please remember, my comments and for that matter anyone else's are based on our opinions. They don't reflect on your abilities as a writer. You should feel free to use what you think works, and equally free to disregard any that don't work for you.

This is a very well written and powerfully worded vignette. The language is rich, the mental images of the scene are well described.

My question is simple; What are you looking to expand?

The writing you have right now would make a fine introduction and "hook" to a short story. It leaves the reader with unanswered questions that will make them want to press on. Answering those questions might provide your guidance for expansion.

For example, from the beginning;

What happened to make the Sun (and daytime) "a dangerous stranger"?
Why is the protagonist "at its mercy"?
Who or what is the "master" and why willingly "submit"
"we rise skyward" is this an actual physical action or merely a metaphorical illusion?
"my protector" Master and protector, what caused this powerful bond?

And finally;

"He places me gently in to my bed, gracing me with a kiss upon my brow, allowing me to slip in to a dream. I remain there until the sun runs in cowardice once more from the world in which I truly belong.

My eyes flutter open to the sigh of my masters extended hand and I swiftly take hold. I am whisked away in submission to the night once more. And once again, surrounded by moonlight, the dance continues as if it had never been interrupted.

This is the cycle of my soul. A soul, with a heart, that will only ever truly answer to a single being. His name is Night, and I am his."

Is Night a physical being? I feel this is a much deeper relationship, Master, Protector and perhaps Lover? What locked the protagonist into the cycle? Can the protagonist awaken on their own or must the Master wake them? Who actually is the protagonist?

My advice is to not change your original writing, but rather use the unanswered questions it poses to continue your story. If you do want to enhance your original work, start by looking at every place you used the word "it" -- can you replace "it" with more descriptive words? Add details and description, but the frame work is already there. Take care not to take away the unanswered questions!!

I like what you have written it's strong, provided a good introductory hook that made me want to keep reading. There is little I'd change. Great Job! Keep on Writing!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .