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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4548382
Review #4548382
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by A Guest Visitor
         Review for entry/chapter: "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: GC | N/A (Review only item.)
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Introduction~
*NoteP*          Cadie here reviewing for Lesson 5 of Building Emotion and Sensuality.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~
*NoteP*          I enjoyed finding out what was going on but the way you've structured your sentences made for a choppy story.You stayed within one point of view.

Characterization and Dialogue~
*NoteP*          The characters seemed realistic in their actions. I think you could have added more emotion to Elize's fear. Describing what she was feeing.

Technical Aspects~
*NoteP*          The way you placed your words and periods has made this a bit difficult to read. Although, for the nervousness she feels, it somewhat fits.
For example, It had been almost every day of the week that they would see each other. She never felt this need, craving, and all-consuming understanding with someone ever in her life. He got her. Like no one had gotten her in her life, this man understood her more than anyone. It could be written like this. Every day this week they had seen each other. No one in her life had affected her the way Mac had. They had a special understanding, bond, hell could be a craving for each other that couldn't be satisfied. Mac understood her like no one else, it was something that was scary and yet comforting for her.
If she said it wrong, would their relationship not be able to continue? If she wanted to be with him and have him with her always, but he didn't, what would happen? This is a bit redundant, if not it's confusing. After all, I've read of these two, they are working partners; she's concerned about the working relationship and the personal relationship. Personally, they should have had the working relationship figured out by now they've been together for more than a year.
She said in a rush of words. The silence that followed felt like an endless desert to stay in until he answered her. An interesting analogy of silence. I think it needs maybe an explanation or more detail of some kind. I don't understand the reference.


Conclusions~
*NoteP*          These characters are an interesting pair. You've done well in writing what's going on emotionally with each one. I'm looking forward to seeing how they resolve this "conflict".

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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