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Review #4544180
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In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.5)
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Introduction~
*NoteP*          Cadie here reviewing your story for House of Sensual Prose Building Emotion and Sensuality.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT offend.

Personal Impressions~
*NoteP*          I enjoyed your story, your characters are realistic. I realize your assignment is late that was my fault, I apologize.

Point of view~
*NoteP*          The assignment asked you to change point of view bewteen characters. That was well written.

Characterization and Dialogue~
*NoteP*          Your characters are realistic in their interaction with each other. I realize most of the story was told from a thought perspective. Your opening was a bit confusing because of the description. The blond in front of me smiled as he put down the menu, “What would you like to order, M’lady?” His soft voice interrupted my thoughts as he put his menu down, "What would you like to order, M'Lady?" He blew a strand of hair from his eyes. Just a thought.

Showing vs. Telling~
*NoteP*          In using the characters' thought for background information was smart, yet I wonder what brought on the backstory at the beginning of the date? The backstory could have been placed in the story trying to get to know the other. What does Diane think of William's job and vice versa? Why did William not call her by name when asking if Diane was okay? He calls her Miss.

Technical Aspects~
*NoteP*          You've done well in keeping your quotations where they belong. I don't do grammar very well when it comes to reviews. Yet, there is one place where I think you could have used a break in the conversation.
She snapped her fingers and pointed at me, “A fortunate find!”
I began sweating. Do not mansplain. I repeat, do not mansplain. It’s discouraging, it’s a disgraceful act, it’s a—oh for Pete’s sake. “About the idiom diamond in the rough. I believe it means having a high potential but still hasn’t reached it.” He seems to be overthinking things although it does lend to the conversation.
“Yes, what of it?”
“As an English teacher, I believe your—”
“—use of the idiom is dissimilar to the following phrases that aren’t even idioms.you might add 'she finished or add a space between the conversation so that the reader understands she's talking not him."Is that what you're saying?” then finish with this.

Conclusions~
*NoteP*          You've done well in your writing. You've told me a good story and shown me a little bit into these characters' lives and what they are feeling. Good Job.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 04/19/2020 @ 3:33am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4544180