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Review #4543395
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In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.5)
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Introduction~
*NoteP*          Cadie here writing a review for House of Sensual Prose, Building Emotion.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~
*NoteP*          Your story has some sensual points in it. You created an interesting pair of characters. I enjoyed reading it.

Tone, Mood, Point of view~
*NoteP*          You did well in expressing the emotions of the characters. Although I would have shown more of what Murphy was feeling and thinking. His point of view was good. There was one point where I think you jumped to Evie's Watching the horrified expression explode over his features with glee, Evie laughed melodically. She's watching his expression explode, he can't see his face change. He can feel his eyes widen. You did well staying in Evie's point of view.

Characterization and Dialogue~
*NoteP*          There characters were realistic and the dialogue moved the story along.

Showing vs. Telling~
*NoteP*          In this story you've shown the emotions of the characters well. I would adjust a spot or two. Oh, how she loved to tease Murphy. Such fun… For this one, you might make it a thought. Teasing him gave her a sense of control and happiness.

Technical Aspects~
*NoteP*          Your grammar and spelling were good throughout the piece. There is one place I would look at changing. Raising the glass languidly to her lips, she made a show of placing their soft flesh on the glass and pouring the taste of wine onto her tongue. she made a show of placing "her" soft flesh on the glass... The point of the story where their knees touch, the table seems really small if that's the case unless the characters have really long legs. If you are out at an expensive restaurant, the table is going to be large enough for the couple to spread out. I think of going to Olive Garden, or Apple B's.

Conclusions~
*NoteP*          You've done well in your first assignment. You stayed within the confines of point of views. I am looking forward to reading what comes next. I would like to apologize for taking so long to get this done.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


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